I’m sad that summer is (almost) over because I had a really good summer.
I didn’t go to France or the Hamptons — although I did spend a lot of time at the beach. I guess what I mean is I didn’t do anything extraordinary by social media standards. I played a lot of tennis. I went to the same coffee shop almost everyday where I would work on my book proposal (another rom-com). I started running again. I made time to connect with new and old friends. I took myself out on solo dates. I swam. I ate a really good donut.
So what made it so good rather than so basic?
I decided I would be something different this summer, and what I mean by different is that when the chips were down (because, friends, they were way, way down at the beginning of June, so much so that I am thankful it was merely a blip and not a “call your emergency contact” situation ) I had a choice to make: either wallow and disappear — which are very familiar reflexes of mine — or make peace with myself, and stay. And not just stay in the familiarity of the shit I was accustomed to, but stay and make things different for me. By different I mean, choosing to create peace and love within me and around me; to find grace and gratitude daily; to be OK with who I am when I am not relying on external things (jobs, money, productivity) to make me feel like I am worthy and that I am someone.
This was not an easy feat. You see, there’s a repeating playlist in my mind that maybe you can relate to. It’s filled with snippets from all types of people from all points of my life that stick out in my mind, and most of these snippets are not very positive. They run the gamut from being teased by my entire grade 7 class to being told “if I wanted to, I would have” by my ex last summer to a friend telling me I can be “too harsh.”
This too-ness lives with me. I’m too this, too that. And it’s always “too” much of something not great. And then I typically ruminate on this “too-ness” and each time I think I make progress with it, eliminate the previous playlist and try to switch to a new one, for example, I somehow always get drawn back in to the same old broken record, the record that says: there must be something wrong with me. I need to FIX something. I need to be better. A better friend, person, daughter, lover, etc.
By “loving myself a little more this summer” and doing the exercises that I’ve outlined for the last few weeks, I came to a new discovery, and it’s why I had such an amazing summer:
I really, really like myself.
The “work” I did this summer wasn’t to fix myself; it wasn’t to make myself “better” so people/the world would like me or accept me more. I did what I did because I wanted to feel better for me. Because I took this task of self-love as seriously as a heart attack because, really, my heart was on the line. If I didn’t dive into liking me, loving me, then what on earth was the point of anything else?
I returned to a sense of God within me (and I know I said the G-word but it’s here, so let’s get over it). I reconnected with the knowing there’s a divine presence within me, around me (the same one that’s around you and within you, by the way) and it was my job to honour that, and no matter what was happening — or not happening — I decided I’d like me this summer. I’d like me when the things I wanted seemed out of reach. I’d like me when I was trying out a new activity and sucked hard at it. I’d like me when a friend cut me out of their life. I’d like me when I didn’t get a job that I wanted. I’d like me when a guy ghosted me on Hinge.
And you know what? The more I decided I liked me and decided I would have fun with my life this summer, even if “fun” consisted of drinking a coffee and sitting at the beach with a pint of raspberries …the more fun I would have. I signed up for dance classes and run clubs, said yes to new activities and new friends, fell in love with my writing projects, joined networking groups, had impromptu movie nights, took long walks on the beach (alone or not), teased and flirted with new guys that didn’t go further. Again, I experienced not the BIG things we think we need to have or do in order to have fun, feel loved, and be successful by social media standards…but they are the kind of things that made ME happy and fulfilled with me…and isn’t that the whole point?!
Not surprisingly I am getting major deju-vu as I write this, and I wonder if this is a pattern of mine. Which is simply information for me. Information that I hope will help me choose to stay put within this reality and refuse to go back to the old one. I am reminded that we always have a choice to decide how we will react and respond to life around us. Because that’s the thing….life will always be life-ing. But who are we being? Rather who are we choosing to be? Not by reflex or autopilot or the person we were in grade 9. Who do we want to be right now?
And I choose to like myself. I choose to love myself. And I don’t give a flying duck if you don’t. :))))))
So anyway. I had a great summer. I hope you did too! I hoped you were able to love yourself a little more this summer.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
Things I really liked about this summer:
fresh local raspberries from the fruit truck in Kits Beach
Flat whites at Viva Cafe and Bakery
Waking up early with the sun
Live music at Coquette
Watching and finishing Dawson’s Creek (I have many thoughts, which I might write about further, but basically TEAM PACEY FOREVER)
Pickleball (it’s just like table tennis!)
Tennis!
Learning to swing dance
Reading “The Paris Novel”
My new Love necklace
No boyfriend will ever compare to Pacey Witter #facts
As the newsletter morphs into something new in the next coming weeks…including a podcast and some video…I have an idea for you. I am thinking of starting a fictional work that would be available to only readers/subscribers. I love writing fiction, and the more I’ve been working on these rom-com pitches with my agent, the more I am so psyched to just put one out in the world sooner than later. So. I was thinking of writing one here, with new chapters available every few weeks just for you. Would this be something you’d be into?
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A few years ago, I went out on a first date with a man who brought a magazine as a gift for me. It was the latest issue of Elle Canada, and he said he wanted to give it to me because he knew I was a writer and I had written an essay for Elle Canada.
I love this! I’m also finding so much joy in basic things I love. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time doing simple things I didn’t have capacity to do in my marriage, and it gave me so much gratitude for what I love and the agency I had!