i'm having a "love me a little more" summer
no jumping off yachts in Positano for me
Yesterday I tried swing dancing for the first time. I went by myself, no partner, no friend in tow. Just little ol’ me.
This isn’t new. I like doing things by myself. Thank God. When you’re single and live in a city that’s still new to you, without a firm foundation of community or anchoring or even the feeling that you “belong” here, trying new things by yourself is an act of self-care and preservation.
Anyway. Back to the swing dancing. It was fun! Our group was eclectic. I discovered my posture isn’t "great” (thanks #desklife) and I need to work on strengthening my core more (despite working on my abs five times a week) (yes, I did straighten up in my chair after typing this). We danced to “Blank Space” and “Espresso.” I felt alive.
Then after swing dancing, I treated myself to a three-course dinner at one of my favourite French restaurants in Vancouver. The food is delicious, the drinks are delightful, and the waitstaff speak in French! I felt like I was in Paris, and if you know me, well, that’s the biggest turn-on.
Then after dinner, I took myself home and watched season four of “Dawson’s Creek.” I stopped watching the show after season 2 back in the day (when I was the age of the Creek kids), and I was feeling nostalgic for the late ‘90s (who isn’t?) so I started watching it from beginning to end. I find most of the kids insufferable — most especially Jen and Dawson who I find as interesting as a pair of wet socks — but I love the Pacey and Joey storyline. I think they actually demonstrate one of the healthiest couples on TV. Dare I say I have a crush on Pacey? I think I’m looking for a Pacey. Not 18-year-old Pacey (although he’s technically legal) but someone who can at least legally drink in America and doesn’t buy clothes at Hollister.
Then I took myself to bed, and I did a little meditation before reading my latest summer read, “The Paris Novel,” by Ruth Reichl (I told you I’m horny for Paris) and then somehow I managed to sleep despite the heat wave that kept my pajamas sticking to me like saran wrap.
And this is pretty much my summer.
I don’t have travel plans. I don’t even have big day trips planned. I’m having what some might call a quiet summer. Or a boring girl summer.
Or what I like to call “love me a little more” summer.
It’s the type of summer that reminds me of the ones I had as a young girl. When I would bury myself in writing, go to the library to pick out half a dozen books to read (lots of Michael Crichton and John Grisham, which, in hindsight, were a little questionable for an 11-year-old to read), and let my curiosities lead me. Sometimes that would be dancing in my bedroom. Sometimes that would be running through the sprinkler. Sometimes that would be enjoying a cold scoop of vanilla ice cream. Sometimes that would be playing “pretend.” It all seems so simple, maybe even a little mundane — we’re “adults” now, right?
But here’s the thing. Being an adult sucks sometimes (okay, most times). We get it ass-backwards a lot. Always chasing, moving, keeping busy. Back then I wasn’t trying to fill every little thing in my calendar. I wasn’t “doing it for the ‘gram” (geez when are we going to retire that?). I wasn’t feel less than just because I wasn’t jumping off some freaking yacht in Positano wearing a little string bikini.
You might be thinking: Brianne, you were a CHILD. I hope you weren’t jumping off yachts in Positano wearing a string bikini!
I KNOW! Hold your horses and Ghislaine accusations!
The point is, no matter how you slice it, the truth is this: I wasn’t thinking, “Oh, I’m not doing enough!” because what I was doing was enough. In those moments, I was totally enraptured with my life. In those moments, I was enough. I did what I felt like doing. I did the things that gave me joy.
I was falling in love with me.
All the things we gravitate towards and that light us up? All the things we admire, appreciate, and are curious about? All the things that we can do over and over again because they give us that little rush of pleasure? I think that’s love.
So that’s my summer plan: to fall in love with me.
I’m taking long walks. I’m writing more fiction. I’m playing tennis twice a week. I’m eating my favourite salad every night for dinner. I’m enjoying scoops of vanilla ice cream. I’m making my way through the dozens of books on my nightstand. I’m watching TV shows and movies that remind me of my childhood. I’m praying more. I’m meditating more. I’m doing a 28-day practice of gratitude. I’m going to the beach when I feel like it, and I’m staying indoors when I don’t (even if it’s sunny and warm outside). I’m playing “pretend” with my imagination as I envision what I wish to call into my life over the next few months (because adults can do this too!). I’m figuring out which words I really identify with and want to cultivate more in my life (delightful is one! not surprisingly so are softness, tenderness, admiration, appreciation, and curiosity). I’m collecting rocks. ROCKS!
I’m also on a dating app. But we’ll leave that tale for another day (mostly because I don’t even KNOW WHAT TO SAY).
I’m doing these things because they make me feel good (yes, even, the dating app, because it makes me more curious than anything). I’m doing these things because I think they’re connected to how I want to feel about myself, which is essentially, LOVE.
I’m falling in love with me! I WANT TO HOLD MYSELF IN THE MIDST OF THE BIGGEST SHIT STORM OR THE SUNNIEST DAY EVER AND NEVER LET GO!
Can you picture that? No matter what you’re doing —or not doing — you love you.
How can you fall in love with yourself this summer?
Oh, and telling yourself, “I love you” works too. Cheesy? A little. But I’m discovering that by telling yourself “I love you” with your hands on your heart you feel instantly a little lighter. A little more like you.
I think for the rest of the summer, I’ll be sharing some diary-like entries on how it’s going, so be on the lookout for that. I’ll also reveal a video diary and a personal podcast where I will share things that I’m learning and experiencing — things you won’t find anywhere else (like being on a dating app).
Essentially I’m working on creating this space to be more personal…more intimate…more connected. I know I have a podcast about being Single, but I am leaning less towards “branding” that (aka making that my identity) and leaning more towards, how can you love who you are right now, no matter where you are? And not because you’re especially UNHAPPY but because…who doesn’t need more self-love?
Maybe because I need it too.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
LATEST ON THE PODCAST
Pretty apropos right now!
“I think we're alone now...doesn't seem to be anyone around...” (does anyone remember TIFFANY?!)
ok, ok! I know! being alone — this is the life of a single person, SO muuch alone time. but is it really a bad thing? I don't think so! i think having alone time can be an exciting time! we should treat it like vacation! because if you don't like being alone, then guess what? you're doing it wrong!
i share my tips on how to enjoy your alone time! because you deserve it!
Things I love
My salad!
Ingredients:
Red leaf lettuce
Cucumbers
Carrots (shredded)
Tomatoes
Goat cheese
Black olives
Boiled eggs (2)
Eve’s crackers crumbled
Vinaigrette:
Olive oil
Dijon mustard
Lemon juice
Herbs de provence
Put them together! Come on! It’s a salad! Not a souffle! :)