why i'm taking texting off the table when it comes to dating
it's ok if we don't text all day. really.
I made a pretty large discovery about myself the other day.
I hate texting.
Well, most specifically when it comes to dating, but maybe in general. I have my Mercury in Capricorn, which means I use communication practically. Logistically. To the point. I think my friends can probably attest to this.
“Hiii! See you in five?!” they ask
“Fine.” I’ll reply.
I sound like a dick but I’m usually thinking “That’s totally Fiiiiine!!! smiley face smiley face!” I just don’t write it. Because why? Mercury in Capricorn.
Anyway, back to texting and dating.
I hate it.
At least in the beginning stages. It makes me anxious. When do you send the text? What do you say in the text? How come they haven’t responded? Will they respond? How will they respond?
It’s all so dumb.
A few weeks ago, I asked three friends to help me craft the “perfect” text to a guy I was into because I didn’t know how to frame it.
See, dumb.
Because there’s no such thing as perfect. And because we’ve been conditioned to rely so heavily on texting to be a barometer of the depth and connection we have with someone, we’re all acting like morons.
We’re all acting like…not ourselves.
Because in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, let’s be real: we’re all trying to be so perfect with how we say something and what we say, and which emojis to include, and then we get so wrapped up in stupid shit like, how much do you text? should we text all the time? how come they haven’t texted? are they sending me a good morning text?
When, really, that stuff doesn’t matter.
What matters is connecting to the other person in a REAL way. The most US US way.
So for me, I’m choosing to engage with people I’m interested in face-to-face. I want to prioritize quality time together. I want to ask you the big questions and the not-so-big questions in person. Or at the very least, over the phone, Facetiming.
I want the nuances, vulnerability, and authentic response that is only really present from a person-to-person connection than what we typically get over text messaging.
Text messaging usually means…getting in our heads. Carefully crafting and curating how we say and what we say. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, mindlessly shooting a text without any real thought towards the other person on the other end because you’re in the middle of lunch and you just want to give them some sort of a response.
Then what typically happens? Drama. Hurt feelings. Misconstruing a “fine.”
Or thinking this person is one way when they’re totally not.
Isn’t it all so dumb?
To me, face-to-face means…I get to read your expression. I get to read your vibe. And you get to read mine. We get to know how we truly feel. We get to have a person-to-person moment. We get to be ourselves.
Or, more importantly, I get to be MYSELF.
Because at the end of the day, I wasn’t being myself. I was showing up as someone who I thought I needed to be. Waiting by the phone, coming up with cute things to text, wondering if I need to text someone to show them I’m interested…that’s not who I am.
I don’t love waiting by the phone. I am not someone who wants to send you text messages throughout the day. I am not someone who wants to want to expect your text messages throughout the day either.
I was feeling anxious because I was misaligned. And when I’m misaligned I am not showing up as Brianne. And when I’m not showing up as Brianne, we’re not building a real connection.
So bottom line: I’m taking texting off the dating table.
That’s not to say I won’t ever text flirtatious or cute or FRIENDLY messages to someone I like (dear god I’m not a monster!) but I’m allowing myself to release the pressure that texting brings to how I am engaging with someone. Because if something is causing me anxiety, then that’s information for me. That information is telling me that I’m doing something that isn’t right for me, so I can choose a different way. I can choose a way that feels right for me.
So I am someone who doesn’t want to text all the effing time in dating, and let me tell ya, what a relief that is to know!
Because, P.S., we get to choose how we date. Which means we get to choose how we show up and how we communicate. We don’t need to follow a playbook or flirt the way your Libra friend flirts. We get to be US.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
