Please Don’t Text Me “Good Morning”

No, seriously.

I started 2024 with my first personal essay published in years, and my first byline for Shondaland!

Enjoy! (and, yes, when it comes to dating situations, please don’t text me good morning if I barely know you, or you’re not that serious about me…it’s weeeeeiiirdddd and not cool.)

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Last summer, there were two little words that a paramour I met while visiting France would tell me each day that would make my heart skip a beat and force a smile across my face: “Good morning.”

For about six weeks, this was our routine: I’d wake up to his “good morning” text, which would almost always include a blushing emoji and a new selfie of himself, and then I’d greet him with a “good night” text. Given our nine-hour time difference, it was a small yet significant gesture that I thought was cultivating a connection between us.

Photo by Luis Villafranca on Unsplash

We weren’t able to see each other in person, but sending and receiving a “good morning” text daily (besides other bits of conversation we would exchange during the day) was something that I thought was special. If he’s thinking of me first thing in the morning, uncaffeinated and unshowered, I was most likely a priority in his life. Right?

Well, tell that to the French man’s girlfriend. I later discovered that he was also sending the exact same “good morning” text and selfie to her each day. Needless to say, I was hurt, humiliated, and embarrassed. How did something that felt right go so horribly wrong? I blame the “good morning” text.

“I thought we were becoming closer again. Then one day, he stopped sending the 'good morning' texts.”

You could argue that my situation with my French lover was an isolated case. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been down this road before. When my ex reconnected with me a few years ago, no sooner were we catching up with our lives and exchanging pleasantries than he was blowing up my phone with “good morning” texts, sometimes with a smiley emoji attached, other times calling me “beautiful.”

I couldn’t help myself. I was instantly hooked. I looked forward to his texts each day. I started thinking of what reconciliation might look like for us. I thought with each text exchange, each flirty emoji, we were becoming closer again. Then one day, he stopped sending the “good morning” texts. I panicked. What happened? Was he not into me as much anymore? His texting overall also became less frequent.

My ex was obviously creating space between us, but it was too late. I was already addicted to the rush of feelings that came whenever his name popped up on my phone, especially each morning. I wanted it back, so then I started sending him “good morning” texts, hoping he would send them back to me. Good grief. Obviously, we didn’t get back together.

Does this sound familiar? Receiving a “good morning” has somehow become the prime litmus test when it comes to the early stages of dating. On TikTok, the topic has received more than 53 million views, ranging from the importance of a “good morning” text to ways of sending a “good morning” text to get someone’s attention.

Many of us are conditioned to think that if we receive a “good morning” text from our latest love interest that it’s automatically a good sign. We assume we must be the first thing they think about as soon as they wake up. It’s an effort that means we’re special.

A friend recently told me that she wouldn’t meet a man in person whom she recently matched with for a date because he stopped sending her “good morning” texts. I asked her if he was otherwise nice to her. She said yes. I asked if she thought he was attractive. She said yes. I asked if they had things in common. She said yes. Yet still she refused to meet him in person because he didn’t text her “good morning.”

No offense to my wonderful friend, but this sentiment is exactly what I think the problem is with sending a “good morning” text in the beginning stages of dating. Not only is it a low-grade effort that’s unoriginal and, dare I say, cloying, but I think it also sets us up for failure by creating a false sense of investment and intimacy that doesn’t actually exist.

Here’s the thing: The “good morning” text is more about us and how we feel about ourselves, not necessarily how we feel about the other person or vice versa. Looking back, when both men — my ex and the French guy — entered my life, I was in an unhappy and unsettling time in my life. Receiving a consistent “good morning” made me feel wanted and validated, something that, in all honesty, I wasn’t properly giving myself.

“The 'good morning' text is low-hanging fruit. It says nothing about your relationship status.”

My anxious attachment was also feeding on the desire to ramp up a connection. However, there was no evidence these connections were going anywhere toward anything remotely real. And while I don’t know the intentions behind either of the men’s reasons for immediately firing off a “good morning” text, I do wonder about their overall motivations because they weren’t truly looking for a serious investment of time and connection with me.

Was the “good morning” text merely a copy-and-paste job that they have done for countless women? Or were they simply following an obligatory dating pattern that, for all their good intentions, is the equivalent of the equally boring “How’s your day?” text? Let’s be honest. The “good morning” text is low-hanging fruit. It says nothing about your relationship status, although it can say a lot about the person who’s sending it, especially if you’ve just met them.

Carla Marie Manly, a psychologist and author of the book Date Smart, told me that during the courting process, little acts of connection can go a long way toward creating a bond, but she also noted that sending texts frequently in a new relationship can be a sign of underlying issues, such as anxiety, insecurity, or dependence.

“When getting to know someone in the dating realm, it’s wise to move slowly to allow ample time to build a healthy connection,” Manly cautions. “If we move too quickly, we can rob ourselves of the opportunity to vet the other person and build genuine, lasting intimacy.”

Admittedly, this is what I failed to do. I failed to ask the questions I needed to ask these men for my own emotional safety and clarity. Instead, I carelessly latched on to an empty expression that would be more at home on a greeting card. The truth is I didn’t actually want the “good morning” texts so much as I wanted what I thought they implied.

“It’s easy to misconstrue communication in the early stages of dating as we’re getting used to a person’s habits and ways of being,” Manly says. “If you’re ever in doubt about a person’s intentions or the meaning behind something, such as a ‘good morning’ text, it’s absolutely appropriate to discuss the issue.”

Asking questions is scary, especially when we’re afraid of receiving the answer, but I think it’s a million times better to know where you stand with a person than to settle for a banal text message that’s merely a temporary dopamine hit.

Ultimately, I can’t control why someone would choose to send me a “good morning” text, but I can control how I choose to receive and accept it. Will I take it as a friendly greeting or place more value on it than it warrants? After my personal experiences, being the first thing that someone thinks about in the morning now seems like a fantasy to me. Personally, I’d rather have reality.

This essay was originally published and can be found on Shondaland.

P.S. I shared my thoughts further on my Instagram! Feel free to follow me there too.