why i don't get nervous before a first date

FYI no one's auditioning for each other

I went out on a first date last week, and while I nothing much to report, I can say this: I don’t get nervous before first dates.

It’s not that I have nerves of steel (my health anxiety would like a word), but I do carry a natural calmness. People often tell me, “You’re so grounded. You’re so calm.” (Which is very flattering, although I assure you, I am neither calm nor grounded when Googling a “will I die from this rash?” at 2 a.m.)

Maybe it’s the Capricorn stellium with a Taurus moon—major earth energy—or maybe it’s just how I’m wired. Or maybe it’s that I’ve learned not to put too much weight on a single dinner with a stranger. Either way, I walk into first dates like I walk into the grocery store on an impulse buy: hoping for something good, prepared to leave empty-handed, and occasionally surprised by what I find (“Gluten-free cookies that actually taste good?! NO WAY!”).

So I’m usually pretty chill going into a first date. I know that’s not the case for everyone, so I thought I’d share a bit about my mindset going in. Hopefully, it helps you feel a little more cucumber-cool, too.

don’t be like Channing

i see a first date as an opportunity to meet someone

I don’t see it as a first date that I might be meeting the love of my life. I don’t see it as the end all or be all of my dating history or future. I just see it as an opportunity to meet someone who I think is interesting and/or I am curious about.

Because really, a first date is just a dressed-up way of saying you’re meeting a stranger to see if you like them. If you click, maybe you want to see them naked. If you don’t, maybe you still walk away with a new friend. And if it’s a total bust, well, the good news is you never have to see that person again. Off the list, onto the next.

That’s why I like keeping first dates low-key. Coffee. A walk. Something where you can talk without having to pretend to care about the wine list. I don’t want to over-invest in someone I barely know, but I do want to be open—open to who they are, to a good conversation, to seeing where (or if) things go.

If there’s a second date, great. If not, also great. Because in the end, meeting someone new is never a waste of time. The only thing that ruins it is the pressure we pile onto it. A first date is just that: meeting someone. Period.

first dates are just for you to gain information

First dates are just little investigations.

Think of yourself as a little detective. You’ve been handed a brand-new case file: The Mystery of This Person Sitting Across From You. Your job? Gather the evidence.

You’re on a date to find out some important stuff, like…Do you like this person? Do you feel safe in their presence? Do you like conversing with them? Do they make you laugh? How do they treat the wait staff (if you’re at a cafe or restaurant)? Are they nice to dogs?

You’re essentially evaluating—not in a cold, clinical way, but in a natural, human way—whether or not you enjoy being in their company. Because here’s the truth: the purpose of a first date isn’t to solve the entire mystery in one night—you’re not trying to decide if you’ll be walking down the aisle together, or whether to hard-launch your “relationship” on Instagram. It’s simpler than that. The first date is all about: do you want to see them again?

That’s it.

You just need enough information to answer that one question. If the answer is yes, then the second date becomes its own little investigation. And if that goes well, the third date offers more clues…and so on, until eventually you’re dating and deciding whether exclusivity is on the table.

But it all starts with that very first step: gathering information. You’re the detective, the one choosing whether this mystery is worth solving.

That’s it. That’s the verdict.

you’re not auditioning for each other

A lot of people can get sucked into the whole “will they like me” mind-fuck that can actually make us not show up as ourselves, but as someone else—someone we think the other might like better. We get so nervous about how we’re presenting ourselves and how they’re perceiving us that we forget it’s not about auditioning for each other. It’s about being present and connecting.

The thing is, I don’t think about whether or not this guy likes me. I know that he likes me enough to want to see me, take me out on a date, and take time from his schedule to meet me, and that’s good enough. And likewise for him: I like him enough to want to meet him and take time from my schedule to see him, and that’s it. I’m not expecting him to jump through hoops or be superhuman. I’m expecting him to be human. To be himself. And I’m expecting myself to be that way too. If we click, great. If not, then we move on.

first dates are just part of dating

Because…that’s dating.

I think somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that dating is simply trying people on for size. They’re not always going to fit or feel good—even if they looked good on the website or in that certain light at the gym. Dating is just a process of opportunity, gathering information, showing up as ourselves, and looking to connect. If there’s a connection, then we keep dating. And if there’s not?

We keep dating.

I know, trick question. But that’s dating. It’s a process until it’s not. We keep dating until we meet someone we want to keep seeing—or until we decide maybe we don’t want to date anymore (no judgment). But that’s dating. It’s just going out with people, getting to know them, and deciding whether or not we want to continue getting to know them.

Once you put that into perspective, first dates are really no sweat.

Hit reply and tell me about your latest first date—good, bad, or hilariously awkward. I want all the details. Or if you have any other tips on tackling those first date nerves, leave a comment below.

Thanks for being here!

Love, Brie xoxo

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