why you’re not getting a second date (and what to do instead)

Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch weighs in on common first-date mistakes and how to establish connection

I’ve never really obsessed over “getting” a second date. Maybe it’s my avoidant tendencies talking (hi, I’m the problem, it’s me), but I’ve always believed if two people want to keep the connection going, they just will. I’ve never chased securing a second date after the first, and I think that’s helped me stay grounded in what actually matters: feeling the vibe, being present, and letting the connection unfold without too many expectations or overthinking. At least, not in the beginning… 🙃

With the guy I’m currently seeing, he mentioned wanting to see me again at the end of our first date. I texted him afterward to say I’d love that, and we kept in touch while he was away for a month on a business trip. When he came back, I brought up getting together again — and he made it happen pretty quickly. Not because I played it cool or “did the right thing,” but because we both wanted to see each other. It was mutual. Easy. Grown-up. No games.

Still, I know that second dates can feel like this weird, elusive prize in the modern dating world. You can have a great time, feel a spark, even share a kiss on your first date — and then, poof. Radio silence.

In fact, while over half of Americans aged 18-29 have tried online dating — with nearly half of first dates now stemming from dating apps — many singles find themselves stuck in the cycle of one-and-done meetups.

So what’s actually going on?

To unpack all of this, I spoke with Dr. Terri Orbuch, PhD — a relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com, who’s spent decades studying what makes relationships work (and what trips us up on the first date). In this interview, she breaks down the biggest first-date mistakes, what really helps you land a second date, and why sometimes the best move is the simplest one: just be yourself.

Because the right person? They won’t need to be convinced.

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What are the most common mistakes people make on first dates that prevent them from getting a second one? Is it usually a lack of chemistry, poor communication, or something else that causes a first date not to lead to a second?

Revealing too much. On a first date, don’t make the mistake of telling too much information to a date. You think you are being honest and open (and just putting yourself out there), but you are viewed by the listener as not trustworthy, because you’re sharing all without knowing the other person first. Instead, it’s better to share personal information about yourself (why your marriage didn’t work, struggles with an ex-partner or work) gradually over time.

Not asking questions or listening well (poor communication). On a first date, don’t spend the entire time talking about you. Instead, ask your date questions about themselves, their interests and hobbies. Listen well and respond to their answers.

Having unrealistic expectations about instant attraction. On a first date, it is unrealistic to expect that there will be butterflies in your stomach or immediate attraction (“love at first sight”). Chemistry, attraction and that spark can take time to develop. And often times, if there is that spark and passion so quickly on a first date, it can blind you to the red flags or issues about the other person (love is blind). Don’t reject someone for a second date just because you didn’t feel instant chemistry or butterflies in your stomach.

Being too serious. First dates are all about having fun and gathering information about your date. If you are too serious, the date sounds too much like a job interview.

How important is body language and non-verbal communication on a first date?

Body language and non-verbal communication is very important on a first date. On a first date, if you are interested in someone romantically, give nonverbal signs to that person – they will be looking for those cues as well. Be sure to use your eyes, smile, posture and body movements to show you are approachable, and to make a good first impression.

What role does timing play? For example, if someone follows up too soon or too late, can that impact the chances of a second date?