why you’re not getting a second date (and what to do instead)
Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch weighs in on common first-date mistakes and how to establish connection
I’ve never really obsessed over “getting” a second date. Maybe it’s my avoidant tendencies talking (hi, I’m the problem, it’s me), but I’ve always believed if two people want to keep the connection going, they just will. I’ve never chased securing a second date after the first, and I think that’s helped me stay grounded in what actually matters: feeling the vibe, being present, and letting the connection unfold without too many expectations or overthinking. At least, not in the beginning… 🙃
With the guy I’m currently seeing, he mentioned wanting to see me again at the end of our first date. I texted him afterward to say I’d love that, and we kept in touch while he was away for a month on a business trip. When he came back, I brought up getting together again — and he made it happen pretty quickly. Not because I played it cool or “did the right thing,” but because we both wanted to see each other. It was mutual. Easy. Grown-up. No games.
Still, I know that second dates can feel like this weird, elusive prize in the modern dating world. You can have a great time, feel a spark, even share a kiss on your first date — and then, poof. Radio silence.
In fact, while over half of Americans aged 18-29 have tried online dating — with nearly half of first dates now stemming from dating apps — many singles find themselves stuck in the cycle of one-and-done meetups.
So what’s actually going on?
To unpack all of this, I spoke with Dr. Terri Orbuch, PhD — a relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com, who’s spent decades studying what makes relationships work (and what trips us up on the first date). In this interview, she breaks down the biggest first-date mistakes, what really helps you land a second date, and why sometimes the best move is the simplest one: just be yourself.
Because the right person? They won’t need to be convinced.
What are the most common mistakes people make on first dates that prevent them from getting a second one? Is it usually a lack of chemistry, poor communication, or something else that causes a first date not to lead to a second?
Revealing too much. On a first date, don’t make the mistake of telling too much information to a date. You think you are being honest and open (and just putting yourself out there), but you are viewed by the listener as not trustworthy, because you’re sharing all without knowing the other person first. Instead, it’s better to share personal information about yourself (why your marriage didn’t work, struggles with an ex-partner or work) gradually over time.
Not asking questions or listening well (poor communication). On a first date, don’t spend the entire time talking about you. Instead, ask your date questions about themselves, their interests and hobbies. Listen well and respond to their answers.
Having unrealistic expectations about instant attraction. On a first date, it is unrealistic to expect that there will be butterflies in your stomach or immediate attraction (“love at first sight”). Chemistry, attraction and that spark can take time to develop. And often times, if there is that spark and passion so quickly on a first date, it can blind you to the red flags or issues about the other person (love is blind). Don’t reject someone for a second date just because you didn’t feel instant chemistry or butterflies in your stomach.
Being too serious. First dates are all about having fun and gathering information about your date. If you are too serious, the date sounds too much like a job interview.
How important is body language and non-verbal communication on a first date?
Body language and non-verbal communication is very important on a first date. On a first date, if you are interested in someone romantically, give nonverbal signs to that person – they will be looking for those cues as well. Be sure to use your eyes, smile, posture and body movements to show you are approachable, and to make a good first impression.
What role does timing play? For example, if someone follows up too soon or too late, can that impact the chances of a second date?
Timing is also important. On a first date, if you had a good time, tell the other person at the end of the date. Similarly, if you enjoyed your conversation, tell the other person at the end of the date. And, if you want a second date, you can reach out and let the person know the next day. Don’t wait too long to ask them on a second date – because they will assume that you’re not interested. Or, that you didn’t take the date seriously and have moved on to other things.
How much do first impressions really matter, and can someone recover if they didn’t make a great one?
First impressions do matter – a lot! Your date will be judging you and forming an impression, from the minute they meet you. In psychology this is called the “primacy effect,” that others make an overall impression of you based on the information they receive early on (first several seconds or minutes). And this first date impression sticks with your date and influences what they see and how they interpret everything about you going forward. That is why bad first dates are so hard to undo, and why the first impression you make is so important.
What’s the best way to know if a first date went well and if the other person is actually interested in a second one?
Share your impression and see/listen to their response (“I had a great time today, thank you.”)
Note if they reach out for a second date the next day or next few days.
Watch for the body language that shows interest (e.g., leaning in toward you, keeping arms open instead of closed on date, smiling/laughing more, eye contact when talking to you, an approachable stance or posture, etc.).
Observe if they are curious about you and expressing engagement in who you are and your life.
Listen to their conversation/what they are saying – are they talking about how the two of you might go to a fair next weekend or to see a movie, or are they letting you know that you are very similar to a friend or family member)? What are they saying – any “we” language (e.g., “we should go on a hike in the park – we both like hiking a lot” or “you would love my fitness class at the gym – we should go together” ).
What I loved most about Dr. Orbuch’s insight is how much of it comes down to something simple yet often overlooked: clear, honest communication. The first date isn’t a job interview. You’re not there to perform, impress, or win some invisible prize — you’re just two people feeling things out. You’re not trying to get a second date as a badge of honor; you’re there to figure out if you even want one.
If you do? Say it. If the connection’s mutual, great — you’re off to something promising. And if it’s not? That’s okay, too. You’re not being rejected — you’re just being redirected. The sooner you realize it’s not a fit, the sooner you can move forward.
After all, it’s only a second date. But it could be the start of something real — or the closure that gets you closer to the real thing. Either way, you win.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
