what it's like to date as a relationship and dating writer

when everyone can be a potential story

So what is it like to date as a relationship and dating writer?

Well…it’s a whole thing.

I mean, it’s not that big of a deal. And I hope it’s not a dealbreaker (though hey, I can see how it might be). There are worse things, like, being a serial killer. But, still. it’s a thing.

How could it not be? I’m supposed to be good at dating, right? (Ha! So why am I still single? Just kidding. We all know not every coupled-up couple is happy, and single women are some of the happiest people in the world.)

OK, real talk. I love what I do. But when I’m out there, actually doing the dating part, sharing what I do for a living is naturally going to come up.

Some guys are curious. Some are a little freaked out. And some want me to coach them! LOL. I think I might start charging them at some point — or just direct them to this newsletter! :)

Honestly, I get it. I’m aware that telling someone I write about relationships could feel like waving a flag that says: “I will analyze everything you do and possibly write about it later,” even though, well… I probably will write about you in some capacity. It’s like dating Taylor Swift—you know it’s inevitable. (Yes, I’m comparing dating me to Taylor Swift. I’d like to think my album would be called: Situationships, Sex & Other Love Stories That I Will Talk To You Until Midnight About)

But it is a unique situation, right? Dating normally as a normal person who doesn’t write about dating is one thing. Dating while simultaneously being the person who writes about what dating is, what people do, and what it feels like from the inside is another. It’s like holding a magnifying glass over your own love life. It’s useful, hilarious, and slightly terrifying all at once. Nobody wants to see and know that much.

It’s kind of like a rom-com in itself.

So, I wanted to let you in on what it’s actually like to date as a relationships and dating writer: the pros, the cons, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Just thinking about what I would write about you if you fucked me up.

Pro: I understand what dating is

I think one of the pros of dating as a relationships and dating writer is that I understand what dating is—and what it isn’t. What dating is, is just meeting people you connect with, having fun with them, spending time with them, getting to know them, and seeing if they’re a match. That’s it.

But somehow, someway, we’ve all gotten freaked out about it. We ghost, we flake, we get into situationships, we avoid the C-word—commitment—and yes, that’s been me too; that was my pattern for many years, even while writing about dating. I was in situationships more than I was actually dating when I supposedly knew better. But no more! Anyway, I digress.

What I bring to dating is a grounded, realistic approach (shout-out to my Capricorn stellium for that). Because I write about all sorts of dating stuff—trends, communication, attachment styles, intimacy—I have a lot of tools in my dating toolbox. I can recognize them in real time. I use them. It’s almost through osmosis.

I can sense a ghoster. I can spot the avoidant. I know the cadence of good texting. I might not always follow the rules (hence the surgeon situationship and missing red flags), but the thing is… I knew better. I do know better, even if I don’t always act on it. And because I have all this knowledge—honestly, it’s like I’m an encyclopedia for dating—I come from a very objective perspective on dating, communication, clarity, and boundaries that a lot of people don’t.

Do I mess up? Absolutely. I’ve been that woman Googling late at night—like what to say in a first text, or how to communicate boundaries around sex. (By the way, guess whose byline was on some of the articles I read? Mine. LOL.)

Every day I’m learning more about dating and relationships, which is super helpful. And I think that’s the biggest pro: I’m constantly learning, and I can actually integrate and implement that learning into my own dating life.

Con: I know too much about dating

The thing is, I know too much. I’ve spent years talking to psychologists about attachment styles, reading about dating trends, diving deep into therapy and self-care. And because of that, sometimes I overthink everything. We all want to get it right—especially those of us on a self-love, self-actualization journey. I want to do things differently from my parents, differently from past relationships. I want to date better matches. I don’t want to date from my wounds, but from my growth and healing.

And yes, that’s a great thing. But from my experience, I’ve realized I’ve sometimes hidden my vulnerability behind therapeutic talk. For example, with the surgeon situationship, I asked him about his capacity for seeing me. On paper, it sounded clean, efficient, rational. But there was no heart behind it. What I should have asked was simply: “I’d really like to continue seeing you. How do you feel about that?” Instead, I danced around it, trying to be as perfect, rational, and therapeutic as possible.

Because I know so much about communication, attachment styles, and dating strategies, I sometimes overthink everything. I notice avoidant behaviour, ghosting patterns, cadence in texting, red flags. And then I start second-guessing: should I even go for this guy? Maybe I’m misreading him. Maybe I’m misreading myself.

It’s a balancing act I’m still figuring out: integrating all this knowledge while also allowing people—and myself—to be human. To mess up. To show up imperfectly. To show heart and vulnerability. You can learn all the tools, the trends, the strategies, but at the end of the day, dating is about humanity, connection, intimacy. And if we’re too focused on doing it “right,” we might just hold ourselves back from the very thing we’re seeking.

Pro: What you see is what you get

One of the biggest pros of dating as a relationships and dating writer? What you see is what you get.

I’ve been writing about dating and relationships for well over a decade, and I have a long-standing relationship with the internet. It’s all out there. If someone is going to Google me—and I don’t know if men are as sneaky about that as women, but if they are—they’re going to see a lot of me. You can’t hide from the internet, and you can’t hide from what I do for a living.

Most people only have a vague sense of what their dates do for a living. Like Chandler Bing, you kind of knew what he did for work, but you didn’t really know. He didn’t even really know half the time! But with me, there’s no guessing. You know exactly what I do. I think that transparency can be exciting and interesting — it’s a conversation starter, sure — but more importantly, it gives insight into who I am and how I see the world.

And here’s the thing: if someone is comfortable with what I do, if they’re actually supportive and think it’s rad that I write about sex and dating, and they understand that sometimes I write about my own life… then that’s a huge green flag.

If someone can accept fully accept what I write about, if they don’t judge me for writing an article about blowjobs, or never having a one-night stand, or what it’s like to have sex as a 40-year-old woman—if they can be like, “I love that about you”—then I’m sold. That’s the kind of person who I want to be with. Let’s book the chapel already!

Because I’m proud of what I do. I’m proud of the work I put out into the world. And I’m proud of the fact that I’m fully myself online and off. The stories I share are authentic and real. I’m fascinated by human relationships and that’s not going to change. I’m going to keep expressing myself through that lens, and I will always do so by being myself, 1000 percent. What you see is really what you get.

So if someone can accept that, celebrate it even, then they’re showing me the kind of support I need in a partner. And if you can stand behind that, then you can stand behind me.

Con: Public exposure

So this is what happens. People do know what I do for a living. They do Google me. It’s really easy to find me because I'm very Googleable (that’s not a flex). You just have to look up “Brianne Vancouver writing” and bam, you’ll see a whole ton of articles.

Last year I had a match on Hinge admit to me that he looked me up and read a bunch of stuff about me. And then it was very obvious from that point he had formed an opinion about me, and therefore I didn’t feel comfortable about our connection, and things never really took off from the ground.

Another instance happened when I was on a first date with someone. He asked me what I write about, and I told him what I did. He was taken aback at first, and he did ask me if I were someone who writes about their dates and if I were to ever write about him. He was genuine and kind about it, but I could tell he was also a little trepidatious. I had to assure him that I do write about my personal life, but I do try to be as respectful and private as possible. You’re not going to get written about if you’re not that interesting! I’m kidding.

But also, I don’t write about guys and relationships unless it has to do with my own evolution as a person and what I’m learning about life through them. That doesn’t guarantee that just because I meet you or date you that you’re going to be written about, but I always try to come at it from the point of view of what I learned from the experience. I really don’t try to throw people under the bus.

However. If you do fuck with me, I am going to write about you, and that’s just the way it is. And if you have a problem with that, you can have your own blog and write about me. But if you’re going to date a writer, you have to understand that my life is my muse. That’s true for many artists—we are inspired and motivated by the life around us, by the relationships that we have. That’s what fuels us. That’s what creates art.

It’s not for everyone to date a writer. You have to be very confident and comfortable with who you are. You also have to trust me, the person, Brianne, that I’m not going to drag you or do you wrong. You have to respect what I do for a living. But, yes, there would be conversations with a future partner where I would ask for consent (I’m a very reasonable person!).

Another thing is that some men probably think I’m a huge freak in bed because I write about basically everything under the sun about sex. I’ve even had strangers email me asking for sex tips—or because they felt a connection to me through my writing, feeling seen or surprised by a woman speaking openly about these topics. It can be overwhelming and, honestly, a little scary at times.

So there’s always that thing: yes, men might be uncomfortable with me writing about them, but I might be uncomfortable with men who know what I write about. It can be hard to determine their motivations for wanting to date me, and how they might perceive me. “Brianne, sex goddess!” “Brianne, the dating expert!” “Brianne, the writer who will absolutely write about my shortcomings!” (TRUE.)

Another thing. As much as I’m super real and authentic in my writing, I’m also Brianne offline. There are parts of me that not everyone gets to see and experience unless they really get to know me. But some people will have their own sense of judgment or perspective of me that’s not 100% real, and they might not want to date me because of that. So that’s a definite con — but also maybe a pro because if they don’t want to date me because of what I do, then why would I want to date them?

The biggest lessons

Dating is hard for everyone — even for a dating and relationships writer. What I’ve learned from decades of writing about love is this: authenticity always wins. We can only do the best we can. When we show up as ourselves, when we dare to be vulnerable, when we try again and let curiosity lead the way… that’s often the best we can do. The right people will love and accept us for who we are, period. Yes, even if you’ve written about period sex. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what you do for a living — it’s who you are that counts.

I love what I do for a living, and I wouldn’t change it. It’s definitely made life interesting—and my love life interesting.

I think being a relationships and dating writer allows me to date with both awareness and an open heart. It’s the vulnerability of an artist, paired with the clear-eyed curiosity of a reporter. I like to create and write a good story, don’t get me wrong, but what I’m most excited about? Living out the love story of my dreams—which, yes, of course, I would write about. Duh!

Dating isn’t always easy, but for me, it’s never boring. And if nothing else, at least I know I’ll always have good material.

Thanks for being here!

Love, Brie xoxo

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