what's up with gen z's love life?
intel from an actual gen z-er
Gen Z is doing a lot of things differently, including love, sex, and relationships.
Or are they?
According to a newly published report the younger generation may be more like their predecessors than initially thought.
Feeld, the modern dating app for ‘the curious’, worked in conjunction with Dr. Justin Lehmiller of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University to compile data on generational dating habits.
The report, titled ‘The State of Dating: How Gen Z is Redefining Sexuality and Relationships’, collected data from Gen Z, Millennial, Gen X, and Boomer adults on dating trends and attitudes towards sexuality and relationships.
According to Lehmiller’s survey of 4,175 Americans, a current trend among Gen Z is the romanticization of traditional relationships and roles. The study said that younger people have an “unexpected affinity for monogamy” with 81 % of Gen Zers claiming they fantasized about being in a monogamous relationship and only 15 % saying they would prefer non-monogamous relationship styles over traditional types.
It appears they yearn for a simple analog-type of love in this complex digital world.
The same survey says Gen Z is having less sex than Millennials and Gen X. In fact, they are having the same amount of sex as Boomers!
And yet more than half (55%) of Gen Z respondents claimed to explore new kinks compared to 49% of Millennials and 39% of Gen X and 33% of Boomers. One explanation is that young adults are more comfortable exploring their sexuality and that kinks are discussed more openly than ever.
This coming from the generation that, in order to avoid any drama, would rather ghost and breadcrumb someone than have a straight up convo with them!
What gives, Gen Z?
In order to better understand this lovable — if not confusing — generation, I asked my former work bestie, good friend, and Gen Z-er, Yalda Homayoun, to answer my plaguing questions surrounding her generation when it comes to love, sex, and dating.
(Note: I’ve edited her responses down for length, but if you want to watch our entire conversation, which is basically two fun single gals having a little girl talk, discussing the differences between their generations, you can scroll down to the bottom and watch the video!)
OK! Let’s go! According to one survey, Gen Z is the generation to fantasize most about monogamy. They are twice as likely than other generations to fantasize about it actually. Surprisingly, monogamy retains a distinct appeal to many Gen Zers! In other words they are least likely to fantasize about having an open relationship. Would you agree?
Y: I would agree that monogamy is still very appealing to many people my age and my generation, but they do not act on it. everybody craves this. We fantasize about monogamy because we want emotional stability. We want like a sense of security. I don't know, in a life that things are really temporary, we want like stability, we want like security, stuff like that. But our generation is so contradictory because we say this, but then we're in such a generation of like casual hookups and situationships and “let's keep it chill relationships.” So it's like we want this traditional committed relationship, but we avoid them fully at all costs because I think we're scared.
I think a lot of my friends, they don't have very good representations of love.
The same survey says Gen Z is having less sex than Millennials and Gen X. In fact, they are having the same amount of sex as Boomers. Much of this has been attributed to the “slow-life factor.” Meaning young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer. They appear to be prioritizing school, professional success, and mental health. What's your take?
So I actually thought that this was really interesting. The fact that we're having less sex than previous generations was really surprising to me. But when you look at it deeper under the surface, it does make sense because I think my generation is so hyper-focused on personal growth, professional success, mental health, that like...
For us, I think everybody craves some kind of like romantic relationship, but at the end of the day, there's no time. Like all anyone wants to do is focus on themselves. And it's like, if I'm gonna be in a relationship, I'm not gonna be in an emotionally draining one. And as you said, like we live at home longer now. Like I lived with my parents for most of university. So it's like, we're taking more time to become financially independent.
I don't know, this uncertainty about the future and just wanting to focus on ourselves for now is why I think it makes sense that we're not like actively seeking romantic relationships or going out with people or having more sex like that. But hookup culture is so big. It's so incredibly big. It's so ingrained in my generation. It's like, we don't even know what healthy relationships are supposed to look like anymore. Yeah. I don't know. It's crazy.
Let’s talk more about sex! Gen Z is reported to have kinkier sex. More than half (55%) of Gen Z respondents claimed to explore new kinks compared to 49% of Millennials and 39% of Gen X and 33% of Boomers. One explanation is that young adults are more comfortable exploring their sexuality and that kinks are discussed more openly than ever. Thoughts?
I think we are. We're definitely more open about exploring kinks, different facets of sexuality. And I think it's just largely because we're growing up in a way more open, accepting society than like my parents did or my grandparents did or even my cousin. Like she's very young, but like she still tells me, you're in a completely generation than I am, at least on the surface. But I think the internet with like TikTok, Instagram, Reddit, Twitter, all that stuff, it's just so normalized to talk about previously taboo subjects like BDSM or role playing.
I don't think people are so scared to talk about it anymore because everyone's talking about it now. I will say though, with that, as liberating as it can be, as amazing as it can be to just freely allow yourself to enjoy something that's very natural, it's very normal, it's healthy. I think there is such a pressure to push boundaries with it or try new things or be kinkier just to keep up with the, “Well, everyone's doing it, I should try.” I don't know, maybe it can get a little performative. I'm friends with a lot of guys and the way that they talk about, you know, having sex with women is so different than the way that like my female friends talk about having sex with their boyfriends. Like for females, it's a loving thing. It's enjoyment. It's like satisfying. It's liberating. For men, they talk about it in a way that it's like an instant gratification and then it's like move on. So yeah, it is definitely more accepted now. I think people aren't so scared to talk about it for sure.
Another survey claims Gen Z is over the dating apps and would much prefer to meet in-person. Most Gen Zers prefer to meet in person, with 90.24% of total respondents saying they want to meet a potential partner at a social gathering, a bookstore, a local club or class, and other offline events and places. Does this ring true to you?
Yes, yes, myself included, myself included very much. Disillusionment is so real on dating apps and it's exhausting trying to be so performative on like hinge and Tinder and Bumble. It's like everyone is just this really exaggerated version of themselves and you're constantly swiping or ghosting and having such shallow interactions with people that never really get anywhere. One of my best friends met her boyfriend on Tinder. They're now engaged. They're getting married next year. But it was like once in a blue moon. Like it was such a rare circumstance. Like every other one of my friends, myself included, the people you meet on these apps, like nine times out of 10, they're looking just to hook up or not have anything really important or serious in their lives. And it's draining. It's so, so draining.
It just feels like you're in this like transactional process where people are like left, right, dispose, keep.
A survey claims that over 20% of women want to meet someone at a party, while only 12% of men do. Which suggests that more women show up at parties than guys -- so the girl:guy ratio is higher, and most girls are there to meet someone. Is this true? If so, is there any drama since the ratio doesn't even out? For instance, girls are fighting over guys? etc?
I've definitely noticed that a lot of parties and social events have a guy to girl ratio that's very skewed. So you'll have a room full of girls potentially hoping to meet someone but there aren't enough guys to go around so obviously that's inevitably gonna cause a little bit of drama. But it's weird because I feel like parties the main reason for having a party or attending an event or whatever it may be, is to to have fun. It's to go to a carefree environment, enjoy yourself with your girls. But it turns into this competition again. It's like these girls are just like subtly or not so subtly, fighting over the same guy. And it's like, “Is he looking at me? Like, should I go over? Is he gonna come say hi?” And it does get messy. It does. But again, I think we've just been conditioned to see parties as a place to meet people.
According to the same survey of 18 to 27-year-old daters, 19.05% of men prefer to meet new people for dating purposes while standing up for a cause, like meeting at a protest. 17.46% of males who took our survey said they like to meet people through VR (Virtual Reality) which is, like, huh? Is this working for people? Does this seem accurate to you?
Okay, here's my thing. For me, as amazing as it can be to meeting someone at a protest — it’s admirable, you share the same values — it just feels a little bit more performative.
It's like how genuine are those connections? Like you're really connecting to someone because you're bonding in the shared space or is it because you're standing up for a cause or, is it, you know, just, yeah, I don't know. And then for VR, that shocked me because it feels so dystopian. Like the idea of forming a romantic connection in a virtual world, it feels like such like an escape. I don't know.
Maybe it's because we're so disconnected in real life that it's like you have to go online to feel connected.
Back to reality. Your generation is known as the sober curious generation. So not surprisingly according to another survey 66% of respondents prefer to have a date where they are both sober. Yes or no?
Yes. I think it's such a positive trend. I think a lot of us grew up watching like older generations use alcohol as this like crutch or support for social interaction.
And I think we're trying to break away from that. I think it's good. I think we're also just more guarded. I think we're more careful, maybe fearful of like letting our guard down or being in, you know, romantic settings, not with our full wits about us, which is really heartbreaking and really sad, but at least it allows us to stay in control a little bit. Yeah, I think it's healthier on the surface too. I think it's a better way to meet people, being fully aware of yourself.
Another fact: 23% of Gen Z lie to appear more physically attractive on their profiles, while they report paying the most attention to physical characteristics like skin (16%) and height (17%) when compared to Millennials on a first date (8% and 12%). May I ask why is your generation so obsessed with height? Would you seriously not date someone under 6 feet?
Like the lying about height and appearance is so frustrating. I don't know, it makes me question like, okay, this girl's gonna eventually go out with you and she's gonna notice that you're not six foot. So why would you already shoot yourself in the foot from the get-go? You know what I mean? Like she's gonna know he's a liar, he has an ego or whatever it is. But, yeah.
I think looks and appearance only go so far, Like you could have someone that's absolutely gorgeous, 6'4” as you said, but beneath the surface there could be nothing there. There could be no chemistry, no attraction, anything like that, but you could have someone that's a little bit taller than you, maybe a little short, “short king” as they like to call it. And you genuinely like feel yourself attracted to them and have chemistry.
I don't know, it's strange, it's a very weird thing about height and it's always guys that are like pushing for this like idea and this misconception that height means something. They’re the ones doing it and lying about it. You're lying right off the bat. And it's like, it may seem like very minuscule to the boy, like, okay, I just added a couple inches to my height. But for the girl, it's like, okay, you're starting off right off the bat, showing me that you have low self-esteem, a high ego, you're ready to lie to me about something so minuscule.
Listen, I will say the reality is that we're so obsessed with service level traits and we're just so focused on aesthetics and quick attraction than actually building real meaningful connections.
This brings me to my next question. 82% of single Gen Zers claim to have their heart broken by a situationship. Do you find it's more common for Gen Z to experience heartbreak from a situationship compared to a traditional relationship? (which would be interesting considering, according to the data, your generation fantasizes about a traditional relationship more than others) .
Most often people that are in situationships are very young, they're very naive. Maybe it's their first kind of experience with love in a relationship and that's why they fall into it so easy because they don't have anything else to compare it to.
Again, it's people don't know what they want. They're in such a period of their life where it's like, do I focus on me? Do I focus on school? Do I focus on myself? I don't know, it’s like they think, “When it comes to romantic relationships or hooking up with someone, that's just something on the side to like dabble in when I want to.”
Last but not least: It's said that your generation is "a no-drama generation. They tend to be easy-going, conflict avoidant, and can sometimes come across as non-committal. In attempting to avoid drama, many Gen Zers are jumping out of entanglements in styles that can be confusing for the person on the other end." Yes or no?
It's just, it's so accessible. It's so easy. It's the easy way out. Nobody wants to deal with confrontation. Nobody wants to have a girl or a guy shouting at them about how much they've hurt them and how angry they are at them. So if they have an easy way out of just pressing a button and being done with it and never speaking to them again, that's the route that many unfortunately take.
And for the other person, it's so heartbreaking because you were craving for something that is never gonna arrive. You're just like, it takes a piece of you. It really does. And that whole like thing of like closure, not getting closure, I think maybe it's cause I have like anxious attachment, but closure for me is really important.
Brianne: All right, so let me wrap this up a little bit. It's funny because you were like, I'm going to tear my generation to shit. And actually, I don't think you did, but that's fine. I think you did your generation proudly.
Yalda: You're so funny.
Brianne: I just feel like you guys again are very commitment phobic when it comes to other people. But that's because you're more committed to yourselves; you're more committed to what we were talking about: self-development, your career, and almost delaying emotional intimacy and commitment. Because it's like almost like you can't trust that part of life, but you can trust yourself. So you'd rather just do that and keep people more, I don't know, at arm's length until you feel like you're better, more successful or more confident. And then in the meantime, you're open to whatever, which means kinky sex sometimes or situationships, but you're just like, “I'm going to go and do whatever I want until I’m ready. And I’ll be ready when I’m older.” Is that what it is?
Yalda: Yep. Yep. Yep. I would say it just, depends the path you're on, the part in your life that you are emotionally, maturely, like intellectually, just depends where you are. So, I don't know. I have my best friends my age in loving relationships. I have people younger than me in loving relationships. I have people my age older that aren't, so it just depends on the person, what they're looking for, what their priorities are.
Brianne: Yeah, I mean, there's always gonna be nuances. I mean, there's people in my generation, like my best friends, they were dating since they were 18, they're still married. Everyone's trying to define a generation, which is kind of, it can be tricky, because like you said, there's just so much nuance to it, but I find like your generation is kind of different in a way where I do think you guys are self-involved, but not in a bad way.
I don't think it's bad. I think you're actually like maybe smarter in a way where you want to get to know yourself before you make a big commitment. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it's like how you’re going about it. It can be healthy, but it's also about how you're treating people — that's the difference.
Yalda: Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. Look out for yourself, but don't disrespect people in the process. And I think some people haven't grasped.
Brianne: Yeah, well, it's called maturity.
Yalda: Give us time.
What did you guys find about these findings? I’m curious to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
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Below is the entire interview with me (team Millennial) and my girl Yalda (team Gen Z!); this is more of a conversation between the two of us, going a little deep, giving opinions, comparing our generations, and sharing personal stories!
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