what does modern masculinity even mean?

FYI it's confusing AF

Netflix’s latest series Nobody Wants This showed something not many women have experienced on-screen or off-screen before: an emotionally available man.

Naturally, women of all ages, myself included, quickly took to social media to sing the praises of Rabbi Noah (Adam Brody).

“His emotional intelligence and open communication are super attractive qualities.”

“Obsessed - the fact he’s an emotionally mature middle aged man ! Showing vulnerability and being honest ! Everything I’ve ever dreamed of and NEVER experienced!”

“He listens and communicates and apologizes. He’s awesome. Men need to watch that show prepared to take notes.”

“He’s emotionally mature, which is something us ladies don’t get to see very often so seeing it on the screen has us all like…wait is this real? Does this exist?! His character speaks to our very normal fantasies of finding a man who can communicate.”

By all accounts, Noah is shining a light on what is desperately missing from men these days — at least according to heterosexual woman. Where are all the good men at, we wonder? Is it really too much to expect a man to be emotionally available, vulnerable, kind, thoughtful, successful, and good in bed?

Maybe. Because, while masculinity is certainly more broad and inclusive today, between social stereotypes and expectations for a man to be like Hot Rabbi, not to mention trending TikTok hashtags like #maninfinance or #tradwives, it’s also kinda tricky to be a man these days.

At least, according to a recent edition of eharmony’s Dating Diaries. The dating app explored the question of what it means to be masculine today with brand new data directly from men (age 18+) and the GenZers and Millennials who date them.

When this news came through my inbox, I was super intrigued and wanted to share. You should know by now I love me some good data and stats! So let’s dive in!

• Report highlights and key findings:

  • Men feel pressure from romantic partners and social media to change themselves:

    • 25% of American men have felt the most pressure from a romantic partner to change their attitude, followed by their emotions (22%)

    • 17% of American men have felt pressure from social media to change their weight

    • Mental Health Conversations Are Crucial, But Avoided: Although mental health (14%) is a top struggle for American men, only 23% are willing to discuss it in their relationships. Meanwhile, Gen Z (73%)and Millennials (67%) say it’s important for men to know that emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy. 

    • Most women are down to plan a date, but Gen Z is less inclined to pay: 49% of Gen Z women and 46% of Millennial women are open to planning dates with men, but only 37% of Gen Zers are open to paying for a first date

    • Men should prioritize foreplay: For men, the ability to give their partner an orgasm makes them the most self conscious (31%), meanwhile 38% of Gen Z and 46% of Millennials want men to understand that they need foreplay

    

Additional things US men feel pressured to change due their partner

• Clothing 18%

• Weight 16%

• Job 15%

Things US men feel pressured to change due to social media: 

• Weight 17%

• Fitness 15%

• Emotions/attitude 12%

While mixed messages can lead to confusion, surface-level deal breakers can not only impact male confidence, but also singles’ dating pool options: The #1 deal breaker for people who date men impacts short kings the most with 42% of Gen Z and 35% of Millennials saying they won’t date a man who is shorter than them. 

• The top struggles American men are facing right now: 

  • Finances 23%

  • Mental Health 14%

  • Time for self care 10%

While American men listed mental health as a top struggle they face, less than a third (23%) of American men are open to having conversations about mental health in relationships. Meanwhile, 73% of Gen Z and 67% of Millennials who date men say it’s important for men to know that emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy. 

Now let’s talk about trending TikTok hashtags like #feminineenergy and #tradwives that suggest that women expect to be chased and financially doted on, reinforcing a stereotypical belief in gender roles. But is waiting for men to take the lead realistic? Not really. While American men are open to taking the lead when it comes to planning dates (31%), women are even more inclined to take on the task in a romantic relationship with men, including 49% of Gen Z women and 46% of Millennial women. 

What makes American men self-conscious during sex?

• Ability to give their partner an orgasm (31%)

• Stamina (29%)

• Sex Drive (22%)

When it comes to the bedroom, people who date men want them to:

• Understand their sexual health: 55% of Gen Z and 51% of Millennials think it's important for men to understand sexual health. 

• Prioritize foreplay: 38% of Gen Z and 46% of Millennials want men to understand that they need foreplay.

• Be more fluid when it comes to positions in the bedroom: 38% of Gen Zers want men to understand that they don’t want to always bottom or top during physical intimacy.

My take

I know — this is a lot of information! What does this all mean? And how can we can implement and integrate these insights?

Here are my thoughts.