why are gen z women swearing off men?

no grown woman wants to be his maid and mommy.

I’ve been writing about dating and relationships for well over a decade. But something’s changed on the dating front — no one’s really dating anymore. At least not how we used to. In fact, what we (and I mean, ‘we’ as in society) are used to seeing in terms of relationships and marriage — the picket fence, minivan in the driveway, the 2.5 kids, doing it missionary-style a few times a month — isn’t the “vibe” anymore. And we can thank (and I mean this sincerely) Gen Z for this.

I love Gen Z. I think they’re a special group of people, and I don’t care how ‘cringe’ that sounds. They just “feel” different. From my experience, they seem to be more confident, self-aware, and inclusive than we Millennials ever were. Their obsession with ‘90s nostalgia notwithstanding, it’s obvious they’re doing life differently, and, personally, I’m here for it. Not surprisingly, they’re approaching dating and relationships in an entirely new way, too.

Here are some stats for you.

• 75% of Gen Z are single.

• 90% of Gen Z say they are frustrated with dating apps.

• Gen Z is having less casual sex than previous generations. 24% of Gen Zers have sex on a casual basis. 

• 44% of Gen Z men report having no relationship experience at all during their teen years.

• Nearly 30% of Gen Z women identify as LGBTQ+. Bisexuals made up the highest percentage of LGBTQ+ respondents, at 57.3%

On top of which, there’s been the ever-increasing “boy sober” movement, a term popularised by American comedian Hope Woodard, in which the rules are simple: no dating men, no marriage, no sex with men and no having children with them.

When an email proclaiming “Gen Z women are swearing off men” came across my inbox, I knew I had to dig in further. So I asked Amber Brooks, Chief Editor at DatingNews and DatingAdvice & Relationship Expert, for her insight on why Gen Z women have flipped the status quo by going “boy sober” and why they’re so keen on dating differently than generations before them.

it’s not just a tank top. it’s a movement.

Why are Gen Z women swearing off men? What does that mean? And what has led to that perspective? 

The boy sober trend has been building for a while now. Increasingly we're seeing a disconnect between men and women in the U.S. We see it in voting patterns and political stances (women becoming more liberal while men become more conservative). And we see it in how men and women approach online dating. Unsolicited d*ck pics, incels, and f*ckboys have become part of the vernacular to describe the hazards for straight women looking for a genuine connection. The swiping scene has created a situation where dates seem easily replaced and women are offered like bait. Safety concerns come into play as well. Pew Research survey data tells us that women are more likely to report being harassed on a dating app. Women face greater risks and fewer rewards in the dating scene, so it's no surprise that young women are starting to wonder if it's worth it.

There’s a rise with same sex relationships — mainly with women — why is that? How does that correlate with the swearing off of men?

I think it comes down to comfort and safety. Women can connect on an emotional level without toxic masculinity or patriarchal notions inhibiting them. Young ladies can meet for a first date with a woman and not worry about being attacked or having an unwanted pregnancy. Women know how to create safe spaces, listen, and nurture intimacy, and that's rather appealing. 

OK, let’s talk about the men. What can men do differently for women to change their mind about them? What’s the deeper root cause of this shift when it comes to raising men — what are they lacking? What do they need? 

Go to therapy. Get in touch with emotions. Create safety for women in the dating world. Start new romances without expectations instead of acting like something is owed. 

I think a lot of men need to grow up and realize that no grown woman wants to be his maid and mommy. Men need to become feminists, and perhaps learn how to cook. Relationships need to change to fit the times. In some ways the culture needs to change and let go of long-standing inequities. It isn't an easy fix, by any means.

Why is it taking longer for those to enter into a committed relationship — is this just a Gen Z issue or relationships across the board? What’s at the heart of these relationship shifts and why people are reluctant to go all in nowadays? 

Modern relationships are hard, and it's not just Gen Z experiencing that. People today have so many options and distractions, they need to be pretty intentional, stable, and committed to be satisfied with one partner for the long run. Staring into a phone can feel more comfortable than staring into another person's eyes, but it's necessary to put away filters and have hard honest conversations for relationships to thrive. It is real work. And it isn't for the faint of heart. I think the reluctance we're seeing among young people is actually a good thing. They're taking it seriously. They're not diving into a reckless marriage or incompatible relationship. They're taking the time to know who they are, what they want, and, more importantly, what they deserve from a partner.

I say be choosy. Who you spend your life with is the most important decision you can make in life, so it makes sense and it's rational to take time to grow and make sure it's right.

I agree completely! But is swearing off men the answer? I personally don’t think it is (unless you don’t identify as heterosexual). So what are we all missing here? How can we all have the nourishing relationships we want? Or is the paradigm of relationships shifting altogether?

I don't think swearing off men is a good long-term solution. Humans are wired to build relationships, and academic research has shown that people with healthy relationships live longer and have more satisfaction with their lot. For the sake of the species, we can't divide the world by gender. We must find new ways to talk about the roles people play in relationships and how to create equal partnerships based on trust and emotional support. Part of it is a paradigm shift to accept the growing power of career women and the diminishment of a single breadwinner. Men need to stop being intimidated by smart, successful women and realize that it's a positive if she makes more money or has a better credit score. I think as time goes by we will see more enlightened men winning out in the dating world. Right now we're just going through some generational growing pains. 

Anything else you would like to add about Gen Z and the future of relationships? 

Keep the faith, Gen Z! I met my significant other on a dating app and he continues to surprise me in how he shows up for me in our marriage. I'm very glad I didn't settle and even if it took more time than I anticipated, he was worth it. Good guys do exist. They're just not as loud and aggressive as that jerk in your DMs. Don't give that guy the power to change your path. Don't let anything keep you from taking steps forward and finding your person.

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More Gen Z dating stats that I found interesting: