trust yourself

because how will anyone else?

Jul 31, 2024

“When you trust yourself, you’ll trust him,” a wise friend told me.

Honestly I didn’t know what the fuck that meant. At the time I was encased in this tug-of-war situationship with my ex. I was obsessed. Not with him so much (I mean, I liked him, sure) but I was more obsessed with it/us working out. I was more obsessed with not getting my heart broken by him again. I needed/wanted to trust him again. I needed/wanted to trust that it would work out the way I wanted it to. I needed/wanted that because I thought that was the only way I would be OK.

I’m someone who trusts someone first, asks questions later. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing — maybe it’s neither — but it’s how I operate. Why wouldn’t I trust you? Give me a reason and then I can change my mind. Because, otherwise, how can our connection deepen at all if there’s not some trust generously doled out from the onset? I have to assume there’s a level of trust so I can open up to you, so you can open up to me. If not we’re just skating along the surface of something that could be amazing and, geez Louise, how long can that go on for? Someone has to cry, Chicken! first.

So, yes, I trust people fairly easily until they fuck up. Until my trust is broken. Until I’m fairly disappointed in the mechanisms of the Universe and it hurts so badly that I get a tattoo of the word “Trust” placed on my left forearm so that whenever I’m having a crisis of faith, I can look down at it and remind myself that it’s okay to trust again.

I got the tattoo not long after my ex and I broke up for the first time. It wasn’t the only reason why I got that word permanently etched on my body — I was having a fairly huge existential quarter life disaster at the time — but it was definitely part of the reason. Hence why I was so clingy to this idea of us when he came back around almost fifteen years later.

“When you trust yourself, you’ll trust him.”

I was defensive when she said that to me. I wasn’t to blame for the breakup. He was the one who ghosted me. Twice. He was the one who avoided phone calls, conflicts, and important conversations. He was the one who broke my trust. What did trusting myself have to do with his fuckups? Why did I have to trust myself when he so blatantly misused/abused my trust?

When things didn’t work out between us, just like I was so terrified that they wouldn’t, it was then when I really dug even deeper into my healing journey. I got knee-deep in all the self-love and the attachment style rhetoric. I bought the book that Oprah and Kate Hudson said helped them get over their shit and find love. I went to a therapist, I did somatic healing. I journaled. I got real. And that’s when I finally “got” it. I knew what my friend had meant.

I knew it was all about me. It was always about me.

That’s not say he didn’t have his shit. But his shit wasn’t important. At least not when it came to how I felt about myself.

Here’s the thing. How often do we say before we date someone, “Well, I need to be able to trust them.” Or “They need to be trustworthy.”

I get it. We want to remain safe. We want to remain in control. If they are trustworthy, then everything is OK. I will be OK.

But this isn’t how it works. This is a “you” thing — not a “them” thing. What I’ve come to learn when it comes to trusting your heart to another is that you need to trust yourself enough that you will be OK regardless of anything! Death, breakup, cheating, food poisoning, someone’s finger being cut off. You trust that you got this. You got you.

Because when you trust yourself and all that you have, and all that you bring to the table, you won’t even have to look or ask for their trust. It won’t matter. You’ll trust yourself enough to trust them too.

That’s not to say being trustworthy and loyal and dependable aren’t good qualities to seek or demand in a partner. They are. But what I’m saying is…you can’t expect someone to provide you with safety and security if you don’t have it within you first. When you trust your own feelings, when you trust your vulnerability, your values, and your needs — when you trust that all that which you seek is enough, that you are are good enough — then you will trust who should be with you. Because if they ain’t it, you’ll know it and you won’t have any qualms with kicking them to the curb (do people still say that anymore?).

I was scared to trust my ex because I didn’t trust myself that I would be OK no matter what. I was outsourcing my feelings of security and safety, and, friends, that is never the solution. At least that is never the ONLY solution we should be seeking. I wanted him to make me feel better and feel safe, and my ex wasn’t capable of that. If I trusted myself more, or at all, at the time, I would’ve known that. I would’ve walked away sooner without holding on for dear life.

And another thing? When we trust ourselves…people feel that. They know that. And guess what? They’re more likely to trust you too.

So when it comes to “loving ourselves a little more” this summer, I think a big part of it is learning to trust ourselves more. So how do we do that? Well, I’m no therapist but these are the types of things that have worked for me. The way I see it, trust is like a muscle we need to build and the more we work on it, the stronger it becomes.

Meditate every morning. Even if for five minutes. It helps. This helps you to trust your mind.
Keep small promises to yourself. Like, if you say you’re going to take that Pilates class or work on your side hustle, do it. This helps you to trust your own boundaries with yourself.
Realize your time is precious. Create boundaries with people. Don’t text back when you don’t have the time. Don’t overschedule yourself. If someone cancels on you, let them know how that makes you feel. Don’t bend over backwards to accommodate others. Cooperate and compromise but don’t overcompensate. This is how you build trust that your time and energy is important.
Create an exercise routine and stick with it. Including, and most especially, the rest days. This helps you trust your body.
Allow yourself to rest. This helps you to trust that things don’t always have to move in order to work. You don’t always have to be “doing” things in order to be okay and “enough.”
Ask for what you want. Communicate your needs. Get curious about another. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Likewise, don’t be afraid to share your stories. Make small talk. Make someone laugh. This helps build trust that your voice matters.
Pray. Even if you’re not religious or spiritual…praying could mean just asking for what you want. Making a vision board. Writing a manifestation list in a journal. Putting out your desires to the great beyond is what helps you build trust in the unseen.

Your homework this week is practice all, if not a few of the above, suggestions. They have certainly helped me and I’m still working on them (the communication and the spiritual are still big ones for me! ).

How have the last few weeks been for you? Last week was fun! I made a couple of really special dinners for myself — one with fresh scallops and another with fresh halibut — and I realized that making fancy dinners is probably a love language of mine! I’m glad I get to test that one out on myself. Lucky me.