pleasure yourself

what turns you on?

Aug 07, 2024

I don’t know why I started writing about sex. I can guess. I was horny. I wanted sex but I wanted good sex. And I wanted to learn how to have sex good. Or rather what good sex meant to me.

I was in my early 30s and just starting out as a freelance writer when I pitched my first article about sex: 5 tips for Initiating Sex Like a Gentleman.

What did I know about being a gentleman? What did I know about initiating sex like one? I didn’t. I probably still don’t. But I knew enough about how I wanted sex to make me feel as a woman. The pitch got accepted and so began my first gig writing steadily for a Toronto men’s online magazine as their go-to sex writer. Ten years later, and I’ve carved out a nice little niche writing in the sexual wellness space for publications like SheKnows, Scary Mommy, Men’s Health, and Lifehacker. From threesomes to masturbation to making your own sex tape, you name it, and I’ve probably written about it (except for furries – for some reason no one picked up that pitch. Yet).

Anyway, I write about sex because I’m curious about it, and mostly because I want everyone to have good sex. Why? Because we deserve it. Because being sexual is part of the human experience for most of us, and sexual energy is powerful.

Sexual energy isn’t just about having all the sex all the time either. You don’t need to be having sex with another, or yourself, in order to feel this level of intimacy and liberation. The sacral chakra, which represents sex, also represents creativity and passion. Sometimes the sexiest moments of our lives don’t involve getting naked at all. Sexual energy can be used in creating and building something new — a passion project, art, money, a new business idea. Whatever that something is that excites you and makes you feel really good. Whatever gives you pleasure.

Dining alone, wearing nice clothes, and then taking a nice bubble bath turns me on GOOD.

Pleasure is one of those things that I don’t think we experience enough or allow ourselves to experience enough. Pleasure is defined as whatever gives you a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment, and I think when we allow ourselves to experience pleasure in all forms in our lives, we begin to further understand how and why our body responds to pleasure. Pleasure needn’t be sexual either. It can be a nice sensual massage, buying yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers or enjoying a soothing bubble bath. It’s whatever helps you tune into enjoying a five-sensory (and heck maybe even six sensory) experience. What makes you feel alive? What turns you on? What makes you feel attractive and electric?

Dive deep into the pool of pleasure and I think that’s when we get closer to connecting with the deepest parts of ourselves. The wild parts. Our most sacred parts. The parts that crave to be touched and caressed and brought back to life.

So what turns you on?

That’s this week’s homework for “loving ourselves a little more this summer.” Everyone’s yum is going to taste differently, and that’s the point. Your pleasure is your pleasure. And it’s up to you to discover what that is, and do more of it.

Where to begin? Well, let’s cue up my OG article “5 tips for Initiating Sex Like a Gentleman” for some fun inspo.

Confidence

Be confident with what you like. What you desire. What you fantasize about. No one’s judging you more than you’re judging yourself, believe me. This is the week to go full-on with what you want to experience. Do you want to ask your partner to explore role play? Do you want to dress up in fancy lingerie and use your new vibrator in front of a mirror? Do you want to watch (ethical) porn? Decide what you want to try and JUST DO IT.

Creativity

Like I said, sexual energy can be used for creative projects that aren’t related to sex. Is there a half-written book proposal you want to finish? (Um, guilty). Do you want to redecorate your bathroom according to your Pinterest board? Is there a fancy meal you’ve been meaning to try out in the kitchen? Do you want to try a salsa class? Set your creative soul on fire and do that thing you’ve been itching, craving to do and have fun with it!

Caressing

I ain't comin' 'round searchin' for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch

That’s Bruce Springsteen and he’s right — we all need some of that human touch. Again, I’m not talking about straight up banging. Of course if you fancy a lay in the hay, go for it. But so often we think that touch needs to be hyper sexual when it doesn’t have to be. You can feel pleasure with touch in all sorts of ways. Sometimes hugging a friend or a family member can do the trick. Or maybe it’s petting your cat. Wrapping yourself up in a warm fuzzy blanket is also really nice. Touching yourself is something else to explore. Yes, that can mean masturbation but it can also mean gently caressing your own body. And if you want to try a $5 foot massage at that “spa” down the block, like I said, no one’s going to judge you.

Carpe-fucking-diem

Sometimes the most pleasurable act is the most spontaneous and primal act. What is your body asking you to do? Listen to it and let it lead the way. Maybe it wants you to go for a walk and indulge in some gelato. Maybe it wants you to jump your partner on the way home from dinner for some good ol’ uncomfortable car sex. Maybe it wants you to draw yourself a relaxing bubble bath in the middle of the afternoon. Maybe it wants you to masturbate all afternoon. Lean into what you’re desiring in the moment and seize the day!

Here’s to your pleasure this week! Comment below if you have any other ideas about what pleasure means to you, and share and subscribe to the newsletter if you haven’t already.

Thanks for being here!

Love, Brie

THE TOP 3 EPISODES YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IF YOU’RE NEW

Right now I’m currently on a sort-of hiatus from my podcast, Seriously Single. I’ll be back in September with the second season, so right now is a good time to catch up on the show. If you’re new to my podcast, then here are the top 3 episodes I invite you to listen to first. And if you like what you hear — and want to support me — please share and subscribe!

how to enjoy your alone time

i think having alone time can be an exciting time! we should treat it like vacation! because if you don't like being alone, then guess what? you're doing it wrong!

i share my tips on how to enjoy your alone time! because you deserve it!

Hi. My name is Brianne and I'm 40 and Single.
The episode that started it all. I talk about being 40 and being single, how that feels, and why I decided to create this podcast.

How to be a Master Dater
I'm a Master at Master Dater. I've been single forever and I'm an only child. I know what it takes to love and enjoy your own presence. If you're wondering how to start master dating, here I discuss what I believe to be at the heart and foundation of master dating: knowing you!