how to shop for your first sex toy

+ my picks for Black Friday

Nov 29, 2024

I bought my first sex toy in a flashy shop in New York City’s West Village. From the outside, it was discreet, with shrouded glass obscuring the view. Inside, however, bright fluorescent lights illuminated the space, and various sex toys hung casually on the walls, like candy bars or potato chips in a bodega.

I was in my early 20s, eager to experiment. I hadn’t grown up in a household that openly promoted sexuality, but for me, exploring it felt natural. I was intensely curious and inquisitive. After losing my virginity, I immediately wanted to know how to make sex better—not just for my partner, but for myself. Why was sex something we all seemed to crave? And, more importantly, how could I make it an experience I genuinely wanted to enjoy? Reading the latest issue of Cosmo and hitting up the local sex toy shop was where I would seek my answers.

I think it was a part of me that needed unleashing—something that had always been there. I was lucky because I never felt any shame about exploring my sexuality or buying sex toys. It all felt really empowering and normal to me.

That first toy was a bright pink, battery-operated finger vibrator. Of course, this meant it would occasionally die mid-session — I dreaded hearing the “whizzing” sound it would make before clunking out — leaving me scrambling out of bed to rummage through a drawer for double A batteries before resuming my orgasm. Oh, the early aughts! What a time.

Thankfully, sex toys have evolved since then. Now, most are USB rechargeable—modern miracles of convenience.

Now, because I write about sex, I get sent sex toys regularly—a definite perk of the job! Of course, I realize that not everyone feels as comfortable discussing sex or sex toys. For many, even buying a sex toy can feel like a new and awkward experience. And that’s totally okay!

Remember when Charlotte was obsessed with the Rabbit?

If you’re thinking about doing some shopping this Black Friday weekend, why not treat yourself—and your pleasure—to a new toy? To help you make the most of your purchase, I spoke with sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retaile, to get her expert insights. Plus, stick around after the interview for a list of my personal favorite sex toys that I’ve tried to inspire your next choice! No battery operated ones, I promise!

Why are people nervous about selecting their first sex toy? How can they quell those nerves?

People are nervous about selecting their first sex toy because they don't know what to expect. Not knowing what to expect naturally makes us anxious or nervous. In addition, with sex toys, you can't take them back, so you have high hopes for your investment to strengthen your sexual experience(s). If you want to quell the nerves, you can do things like read reviews, ask your friends for advice or go to your trusted store in-person and talk with the salespeople there who are well-informed about the particular products. With just a few questions, they can probably get you the best sex toys for you.

When selecting a sex toy, either for the first time or looking for something new, what are your tips to know which one to select?

When you're looking for a toy, you want to be sure that it's made of excellent quality material. This may include velvet smooth silicone or quality stainless steel or borosilicate glass. You want to use a toy that will help dodge corrosion in the best way possible. In addition, you also need to think about your own personal desires. Do you desire to have penetration or thrusting? Then, you should get a penetrative or thrusting toy, like the Studs Rumbling & Thrusting vibrator.

If you want a clitoral toy that vibrates, you may opt for a rumbling or vibrating toy to put on your clitoris, like the Lovers Wonder Wand massager.

If you like suction on your clitoris, it's best to go with an air pulse toy, like the Romp Kiss a handy finger vibrator & air pulsator.

If you want something that stimulates both the clitoris and provides penetration, then the Tap & Thrust should be your go-to.

What are some of the basic things that people should be aware of when buying a sex toy?

Making sure that you have lube that is most compatible with your toy is key. You want to ensure your toys last and the best way to do this is by using the lube that works best for the specific toy, so it doesn't degrade over time and using a toy cleanser.

For instance, if you have a silicone toy, it's best to use a water-based lube to avoid degradation. And when you're done using the toy, go ahead and use warm water and the Lovers Foam Cleanser to ensure that your toy is ready for your next romp. If you are the traveling type, make sure that you have a travel lock on your vibes - no one wants vibrating luggage and wearing down your battery before you even get to your destination.

How do you clean and store your sex toy?

It's best to store in a way to help the toy sustain its shape. For instance, if you have a suction cup toy, you may want to ensure that it's standing upright so that it doesn't start to lean in any one way. Having a storage bag or kit, like the Dorcel Discreet is great because you can store multiple toys and it also contains a lock so that kids and other people who are not welcome to your toys don't have access to them. Just make sure that you clean your toys before you store them because you don't want bacteria to fester and cause genital infections.

Any tips on how to include your partner in the conversation when it comes to buying a sex toy?

Use positive reinforcement. Thinking about what your lover does well and then emphasizing those things and thinking about sex toys that would enhance your experience, is going to allow your lover to be flattered and take in the information with grace.

You may also want to usher them into the sex toy world slowly. First, go online and peruse all the different toys, and then go to a store in-person so that you can get real-time feedback with a sales associate who has expert knowledge about the toys that are there. Getting educated from them and having them lead you in the right direction is going to be one of your best bets.

For those who are solo, any recommendations?

Use baby steps if you're going solo! Peruse online like you would with a lover and then go to a store that probably has the products that you are looking for and talk to a sales associate and educator about the toy. Make sure that you come equipped with questions to help you through the process. If you have a good, non-judgmental friend that you could bring along with you, you should do that, as well. It's always best to have support when you're making decisions about your body and sexual health.