why do we have sex?
P.S. it's sexual health month!
I didn’t know much about sex before I started having it.
I could blame my Catholic upbringing, sure, but I also blame the lack of overall information available to, well, anyone.
Of course I knew about the mechanics of sex. I was well aware enough of where everything was supposed to go, and I had an idea of what was supposed to happen. But, looking back, my perception of sex was pretty basic.
After my first time, I knew there had to be more than that. Not that it was particularly bad, but I thought it must get better. It has to! Why else was sex such a big deal?
However, there wasn’t a heck of a lot of people talking about sex. About pleasure. About masturbation. Or BDSM. Or kinks, fetishes, threesomes, etc. At least not very openly.
There were some exceptions. In Canada, back while I was in high school, we had Sue Johanson’s Talk Sex, which, of course, appeared on TV only very late at night (because god forbid we showcase how to put condoms on with our mouths during daylight hours). Her contemporary was Dr. Ruth, who wrote over 40 books about sex, including Sex for Dummies, and hosted a radio show called, “Sexually Speaking,” which gained national notoriety in the early 1980s, and helped solidify her as a cultural icon.
Then there was Sex and the City, which, say all you want about it, Gen Z, it changed the narrative around female sexuality, normalizing self-pleasure, casual sex, and how women talked about sex with each other.
Yet still, when I was first learning about sex, there weren’t many other resources available except for visiting the local Planned Parenthood and devouring the latest Cosmo magazine.
Now, thankfully, we have many more resources related to sexuality and sexual wellness, from podcasts to articles to TikToks to help answer questions surrounding people’s most pressing sexual needs, desires, issues, and problems.
However, sex-ed still has a way to go. According to a survey of 1,500 Americans ages 18 to 44:
90% of respondents said that their sex education had not prepared them for real-world sexual experiences.
More than 40% of women and 47% of men reported feeling unprepared for their first sexual experiences and 41% of both genders said they felt unprepared for communication with sexual partners.
32% of women reported learning about sexual pleasure in formal sex-ed classes compared to 51% of men. (umm, gross)
A recent email came my way about the most common sex-related searches, including some surprising ones, like, “Why do we have sex?”
So in celebration of National Sexual Health Month, I thought I would help get some of those questions answered by Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, a sexual wellness expert and head of communications at sexual technology company MysteryVibe
One of the most searched question, according to the press release I received was, “Why do people have sex?" and I would like to know, since it is sexual health month, what would be your response to that?
Why do people have sex? The reasons are as infinite as human desire itself. Sex can fulfill a variety of physical, emotional, and psychological needs that are ever evolving. Each time you have sex can be for a different reason, because the act is reflective of our lived experiences and expectations. For some, sex is about feeling connected intimately with a partner, while for others, it’s a purely hedonistic pursuit. Regardless, sex, in all its forms and intentionality, has many expressions, and each one is just as valid as the next.
Another popular search term was: "Are sex toys safe?" Can you speak on that? When are they not safe? What are some things that folks need to keep in mind when using sex toys for the first time?
Are sex toys safe? Absolutely, if you're using them properly and choosing body-safe, quality sex toys. Sex toys made from body-safe materials like silicone, glass, or stainless steel are made with safety in mind. However, there are a few key things to keep in mind:
Use body-safe materials: Avoid sex toys made from porous materials like jelly or rubber, which can harbor bacteria even after cleaning. Always look for sex toys labeled "body-safe," like MysteryVibe’s medical-grade silicone vibrators. Body-safe means they're non-toxic and free from harmful chemicals like phthalates.
Clean before and after use: Always clean your toys before and after each use with warm water and a gentle, unscented soap, or a sex toy cleaner. This prevents the buildup of bacteria and helps avoid infections, especially if sharing with a partner.
Use lubrication: Some sex toy faux-pas occur because of friction and discomfort if you’re not properly aroused before using internally. To prevent discomfort or injury, always use a water-based lubricant, especially if you're using a product internally. Be careful with silicone-based lubes, as they can degrade silicone sex toys over time.
Speaking of sex toys, any tips on how to choose one for the first time? Including how people might shake the embarrassment that could come with shopping for one? Even if it's online, I think some people might still feel a little embarrassed if they’ve never purchased one before.
Start your sex positivity practice by owning your decision to purchase a sex toy. Sometimes the only way to shake embarrassment or deeply ingrained stigma is to rip the bandage off – proverbially speaking. The ongoing pleasure you’ll get from your purchase will hopefully validate and reward the initial difficulty of your decision.
Look for high-quality materials that are body-safe and easy to clean.
Consider the design and functionality that best aligns with your pleasure goals, whether it's targeting specific erogenous zones or providing versatile stimulation. For example, if you’re interested in prostate stimulation, look for a prostate vibrator. Or if you want internal vaginal stimulation, look for a G-spot vibrator.
Adjustable settings and customizable features can offer a more personalized experience.
Check the decibel level, or noise level, of a sex toy if you need privacy. For example, some vibrators are very powerful, but they may sound like a power tool.
The material and density of the sex toy is also very important. What I mean by density is how thick and hard the sex toy feels against you or inside you. If you don't like girthy sex toys inside you, have pelvic floor issues, just gave birth, or are menopausal, then a larger or dense sex toy may not make for the most comfortable experience. A few things can make a sex toy feel dense, such as thick internal components or a silicone sheath that isn’t well-padded or insulated. For example, even though most vibrators are made with some type of silicone, some are made with harder silicone while others are softer and smoother silicone, and those will feel different against you and inside you.
Check for user-friendly controls and a discreet design for convenience and privacy.
Read reviews and recommendations to ensure you're investing in a reliable sex toy that lives up to your expectations.
Different strokes for different folks. Despite the number of reviews you read, your experience of a sex toy might differ from someone else’s, so while reading reviews is a good place to start, sometimes it pays to take a leap of faith if a product sound promising.
It may take a few purchases and some duds to find the sex toy that really resonates with you, and it might be completely different from what you expected, so don’t be afraid to try sex toys you initially think wouldn’t work.
Look for sex toys that come with warranties. If a company believes in the efficacy of their product, the company will back it with a warranty.
Switching topics to more sex health questions. I’m a 41 year old woman. For women over 40, what are some common sex health issues that are often overlooked?
As women approach perimenopause and menopause, their estrogen levels decline, and they may notice changes in how their bodies respond to pleasure. Reduced natural lubrication, diminished sensitivity, and thinning, inflamed vaginal tissue are common. Women over 40 often face sexual challenges like vaginal atrophy, dryness, pelvic pain, and discomfort during penetration. If a woman has given birth, some of these issues may be reoccurring or compounded, as pelvic pain and painful sex is a common complaint among new mothers. These changes can make sex and masturbation uncomfortable, affecting intimacy, relationships, and overall quality of life.
This is where sex toys, specifically vibrators, are the unsung heroes of championing female pleasure in changing bodies. We’ve come a long way from the Granville Hammer but considering that the infamous “first vibrator” was a medical vibrator, it’s not surprising that vibrators have found their way back in medical rhetoric, given they have many proven health benefits.
Vibrators can increase blood flow in vaginal tissue and around the vulva, which promotes pain relief and tissue repair, increases genital sensation, arousal, and natural lubrication.
If women are suffering from any kind of sexual issue involved lubrication, genital sensitivity or lack of sensitivity, or arousal issues, vibrators are your best friend. Vibrations can improve blood flow, re-introduce genital sensations, which increases arousal and natural lubrication. These can be clitoral vibrators, external vulva vibrators like Legato, or multi-hyphenate vibrators like Crescendo 2.
Vibrators can provide tactile feedback cues to help women understand their pelvic floors better than exercises like Kegels alone. And a bendable vibrator like Crescendo 2 can help women reach and release pain points in their pelvic floor, internally and externally. Having a vibrator like Crescendo 2 allows women to take control of their pelvic floor from the comfort of their home, which is significant considering many women feel uncomfortable or cannot afford repeatedly going to a doctor for manual manipulation of their pelvic floor.
When it comes to pleasure and arousal, whether you're partnered up or solo, what is a good way for people to get in touch with what turns them on?
Be patient: Take your time exploring what turns you on without rushing or expecting immediate results. Let the process unfold naturally. Arousal can take time and forcing the experience on a timeline can be counterproductive.
Try sensate focus exercises: Sensate focus is a technique that encourages slow, deliberate attention on sensations in and around your body. Instead of focusing on arousal or orgasm, it encourages you to be fully present, concentrating on the textures, temperatures, and sensations of touch. Whether solo or with a partner, it involves gently exploring different areas of the body, noticing how each touch feels—soft, firm, warm, or cool. This heightened awareness helps you discover what truly excites you, making you more open to pleasure. Over time, it deepens both physical and emotional connection, enhancing overall sexual satisfaction.
Pleasure map your body: Pleasure mapping is the process of exploring your body to identify your unique pleasure zones. Whether solo or with a partner, start by gently touching different areas using a variety of sensations—soft, firm, circular, or tapping motions. Pay attention to how your body responds to different types of touch, temperatures, and pressures. Experiment with erogenous zones like the neck, inner thighs, or lower back, but also explore less obvious areas to discover hidden sensitivities. When done with a partner, communicate openly about what feels good, and take turns exploring each other’s pleasure zones. This process helps you better understand your body and communicate your preferences, enhancing both solo and partnered pleasure experiences.
Show yourself compassion: If your body doesn’t respond the way you expect, be kind to yourself. Everyone’s experience with pleasure is different, and that’s okay. It might take time to fine tune what makes you hit your crescendo.
Check your expectations: Let go of the idea that arousal or pleasure must happen a certain way or at a specific pace. Allow yourself the freedom to explore without any set outcomes.
Repeat: Make these techniques a regular practice so your body can become conditioned and familiar with receiving pleasure.
I know I’ll definitely be trying out the pleasure mapping and sensate exercises!
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
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