crush of the month: John Mulaney
funny = horny?
Welcome to Crush of the Month Club, where I spotlight the famous men who are unexpectedly stealing our attention (or maybe just mine!). Maybe it’s their charm, their talent, their confidence — or maybe it’s just good hair, and BDE. Either way, this is a space to appreciate the crushes we didn’t see coming (or the ones we did).
When I was 22, I was a waitress at the Comedy Cellar in New York City. John Mulaney was just another young comic testing out material, trying to make it in the stand-up world. We were the same age, but even back then, you could tell he had something. He was sharp, quick, and different. He wasn’t like most of the other amateur comedians that performed there — he was actually talented.
And yet, I never really considered him crush-worthy. He’s funny, sure, but he always had that dorky, bookish, still-looks-like-a-fifth-grader kind of vibe. I know plenty of women who have been swooning over him for years, but I was never one of them.
Until recently.
Like all crushes, this one hit me over the head unexpectedly. One minute, I was just watching Everybody’s in L.A. with John Mulaney on Netflix, because I was bored to death of watching British crime shows (pun included?), and the next, I found myself thinking, Wait... do I have a crush on John Mulaney?!
What is it? Is it the slightly longer hair? Is it the way he effortlessly commands a room with his quick wit? Is it the fact that humour—smart, fast, cutting—feels like something I’ve been missing in my own life lately? Whatever it is, he’s officially stealing my attention this month. So let’s break it down.
Name: John Mulaney
Age: 42
Astrological Sign: Virgo (born August 26, 1982)
Location: New York City LA, Chicago, and wherever comedy takes him)
Occupation: Comedian, writer, actor, former SNL golden boy, occasional voice actor (shoutout to Spider-Ham)
Height: 6'0"
Bio: John Mulaney is what happens when a 1950s newsboy grows up, goes to Georgetown, and becomes one of the funniest comedians of his generation. Sharp, self-deprecating, and quick-witted, he’s known for his observational humour, old-school delivery, and an uncanny ability to sound like he should be reporting on prohibition-era crime sprees. After getting his start as a writer on Saturday Night Live (where he co-created Stefon with Bill Hader), he took over the stand-up world with specials like The Comeback Kid and Kid Gorgeous (I guess he’s aware he looks like a child). More recently, he’s expanded into acting (The Bear, Big Mouth) and turned his personal struggles into comedy gold with Baby J (he really loves those child references).
Hobbies & Interests:
Making you laugh (whether through stand-up or an eerily spot-on impression of a 13-year-old at a sleepover)
Wearing impeccably tailored suits while talking about dumb things
Watching Law & Order: SVU religiously
Crafting weirdly specific, dramatic monologues about everyday inconveniences
Being best friends with Nick Kroll
Pretending to be a 75-year-old man trapped in a 42-year-old’s body while looking like he’s 12 years-old.
What He’s Looking For: Well, technically, he’s not looking. He’s happily settled with Olivia Munn, and they have two children together. But if I had to guess based on his comedy and general persona? Someone who: thinks fast, talks faster, can match his oddly specific pop culture references, understands that Law & Order is both background noise and high art, appreciates a well-timed, self-deprecating joke, and is okay with the fact that he still kind of looks like a mischievous 10-year-old boy who might steal your lunch money.
Potential Red Flags:
The controversy—leaving his first wife, Anna Marie Tendler, in a way that was... not ideal (especially in the court of public opinion).
The whole addiction thing—he’s been very open about his struggles with substance abuse, but it was still a very messy period.
His voice is so distinct that once you hear it, you’ll never be able to un-hear it. (Is this a red flag? Maybe.)
He’s so quick-witted that if you get into an argument, you *will* lose.
Why He’s Our Crush of the Month: Like all crushes, this one is fleeting, but it’s real for now. Mulaney has never been the guy I’d call traditionally hot, but there’s something about him that pulls you in. Maybe it’s the intelligence, the humour, the way he makes you LOL by pointing out the obvious dumb things in life. Maybe it’s the way he’s taken his messiest moments and turned them into something meaningful. He hit rock bottom, got clean, and came back sharper than ever. There’s also something to be said about the way he’s stepped up in his personal life. His career is thriving, but he’s also been by Olivia Munn’s side during her cancer treatment, showing a level of dedication and care that not all men in the public eye seem capable of. Not everyone does life perfectly, but there’s something attractive about a person who owns their flaws, grows from them, and keeps moving forward. So yes, I have a crush on John Mulaney this month. And if you’ve been watching Everybody’s in L.A. with John Mulaney, you might just have one too.
Would you swipe right?
If we’re being real? I would initially swipe right on the LOLs, and then maybe be open to whatever…but I dunno. Funny guys can be sneaky! They are either the grimiest of guys or the most charming of guys! Flip a coin, and you’ll find out. IYKYK
What are your thoughts on John?! Let me know in the comments!
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
LOVE Mulaney and his dark/offbeat Irish humor. His weekly talk show monologue is a guilty pleasure and so wrong it's right