Here’s a brief life update: I deleted Hinge.
Yes, after barely five months on the thing, I chose to swipe right on the app. It didn’t feel organic to me. In fact, I hated it. Scrolling through strange men’s faces was frankly annoying me.
I also wasn’t matching with aligned souls. Hey! Probably because I wasn’t in alignment either! Funny how life works out that way. I had an open mind, really, I did. But truth is, I was “forcing” myself to do it because everyone else was doing it, and then I was like, “Brianne, when have you ever done anything because everyone else was doing it?” Next to never. Not sex, not drugs, not Leomania.
Another thing. Probably the bigger issue at hand – I suck when it comes to making decisions about guys based solely on a (typically bad) (really bad) picture and a few vague details about their life. Basically, what I mean is I found most guys to be not very attractive or very interesting. Yikes!
This actually doesn’t make much sense because I’m sure most (some) men are very attractive and very interesting. In fact, I have met these men! I am very good at finding men attractive and interesting in real life. Here’s the funny thing, though. I’d say most of the men whom I find attractive in real life – including men I’ve dated and/or slept with – would be guys I would not swipe right on.
I find this to be totally fascinating. So I was like, okay, what’s this about? And I think what it comes down to vibes. I like a good vibe. Or at least I’m usually someone who falls for the guy I vibe with. I don’t have a type. All the guys who I’ve been attracted to are wildly different in all ways. Short, tall, blue eyes, brown eyes, white, Asian, Latino. I mean, I think they were all very attractive, but they definitely didn't look at all similar. Same with their personalities, although, let’s be real, your girl has been suffering from some daddy issues so my picker usually has been drawn to the avoidant, aloof, emotionally distant perfectionist-type. Yikes!
So, yeah, maybe the box was different, but the goods inside were pretty much the same.
Then I was like, okay, Brianne, maybe you shouldn’t fall for the guys who you vibe with. Maybe you should do the opposite of what you’ve done. But, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and I can honestly say that based on recent events with some men, I don’t have the same reaction/attraction, and that’s progress, baby. I am slowly but surely building a trust muscle with myself, and I think that’s a very good thing when it comes to meeting men, especially the one(s) who I would like to get to know better.
The point is, I need to meet this dude in real life. I can’t make a decision about something as significant as a future partner (casual, sexual or long-term) based on a photo and some cheesy line like “fluent in sarcasm and movie quotes.” Honestly, I don’t trust my instincts when I’m scrolling because everyone’s a dud in my opinion (no offence! I’m sure you’re lovely). Not trusting my intuition is so foreign to me, because if you know me, you know that I very much value and rely on my instincts and intuition, and so if I don’t trust where they’re guiding me on this app…I don’t want any part of it.
I know that my gut kicks in when I’m face-to-face with the subject at hand. Maybe it’s the pheromones. Maybe it’s because I’m less judgmental when I meet someone in person and lead with curiosity rather than assumption. Maybe it’s because I don’t have to picture what someone looks like without sunglasses. Basically, I need to feel the vibe!!
Anyway I decided to go with my gut, as I should’ve done in the first place, and I deleted Hinge.
Suddenly I feel freer.
But, okay, okay, I am still on Bumble. Girl needs a plan B.
Just kidding. Well, kinda. I joined Bumble last month, and I’ve matched with a couple of guys who are more interesting (aka can actually carry on a conversation) than the ones on Hinge, and I’m willing to them the benefit of the doubt before I buzz off from there later this month. 👀
I don’t like apps. I don’t. I’m saying it loudly and proudly, and I don’t care if they worked for you or your sister or your coworker. I know it makes other people happy, but that doesn’t mean I have to participate. That’s what I said about Leomania back when I was in high school. “Yes, I can see Leo has really nice blue eyes and, sure, he has that charming little smile, but you know what? Not for me!”
I am one of those people who believes that things align when we are in integrity with who we are and what feels natural for us. Society tells us that we can’t find people offline, and I just call that bullshit and damn good marketing.
I think things work out for you when you go all in on the things that feel right to you. Maybe they don’t make sense to other people, maybe it’s something that they wouldn’t do, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do them. In fact, I think it gives you even more reason to do them than not. I think the Universe/God (whatever you want to believe in) sets us up to succeed when we’re being our most authentic self, and, friends, me scrolling on guys who either can’t be bothered to fill out their own basic information or who wax poetic on nachos, is not the vibe.
Going off the apps is me saying to myself and the Powers That Be that I trust us. I trust my path. And that can be a scary thing! Scrolling on a dating app gives us some sort of false control over our personal lives, when, ultimately, we don’t know how things are going to play out. So you might as well do what feels good to you, show up as your shiniest, authentic self, and let life take care of the rest.
But what do I know? My high school crush was Ben Affleck. 🥴
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
BRIE LOVES THIS WEEK
Some of the things that I really loved this week….
💝 WRITING MY….(sorry can’t talk about it!) 💝 Running into friends on the street in Vancouver and reminding me that I actually DO have a community here 💝 My floral sheets. They’re so cozy and soft, and I think make my bedroom look oh-so-feminine. 💝 Hot yoga. I’ve recently added the practice back into my workout routine and I’m hooked again. 💝 Helping people with their clothing choices. I really like styling others! Mostly because I just really love clothes…I need to stop buying clothes…
SONG
I’ve been obsessed with Charlotte Cardin for the past year.
TV SHOW
I mean, I can’t get enough of this show! I don’t know who she chooses in the end, so please don’t spoil it for me! Also, am I the only one who lives for a 22-24 episode-per-season series? I love getting lost in the characters and settling into their lives.
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I searched "Hinge" on here and I am seeing a not so great trend, then I found your post. I got on Hinge as part of an experiment to see if it might just strangely work. As a 45 year old male who is balding a bit, I'm skeptical of it. I decided to try and give it a year and then if nothing happens I will delete. I also am on Meetup and have done some Meetup events-Not dating related, but fun nonetheless. I think right now I have slightly more hope in Meetup then I do Hinge..
Interesting and enlightening read. I have so many thoughts on apps and dating and being single, etc, that I probably should write my own post(s) about them!
TL;DR - I'm 48, just divorced (happily; my first and last marriage for sure!), never used an app and never want to. I've never needed to - and I swear, that's not a boast!!! - I just relied on real-life encounters, but as a long-time EFL teacher abroad, many of my relationships were with colleagues and people I met locally the old-fashioned way.
I see a lot of angst on Substack about dating and apps (through Notes, and the occasional post I read out of curiosity). I guess I'm lucky - I've always valued independence, I love being on my own, and I am not at all looking for anything. I just love solitude and hanging out with my 6 year old daughter. I'm open to something if it happens naturally.
Funny story - a good friend kind of met (but didn't really meet) his wife on a dating app. They were both using it, unbeknownst to each other. They were colleagues. They never matched and they went out on a date, revealing to each other that they were on that same app! That was about 8 or 9 years ago and they are doing great. Apps - who needs them, eh?