quit shitting on dating apps
it's you, not them
Yeah, I said it. Quit shitting on dating apps.
I know, I know — it’s coming from me, the same person who swore I’d never date online, let alone use a dating app. For ten years, I resisted and happily! But here’s the thing: I finally did it. Last summer, I joined one, and I hated it at first. I didn’t even look at my matches. I hated everyone on it. Not literally, of course (although that one married French dude who googled me and talked about my essays in a really pervy way definitely came close). Anyway, I just couldn’t get over the sense of disconnect and artificiality. And I’ve always been someone who needs to meet people organically, you know? I respond to someone’s real-life energy. So, dating apps? They felt so shallow and icky. It’s like ordering takeout instead of having a real meal.
And don’t get me started on the lack of effort some people put into their profiles. Dating apps have commodified dating and sex in a way that makes it feel impersonal, and dare I say it? Cheap. Which is funny considering they keep raising prices with all these new tiers and promises of better matches, but what’s the end result? People are still fatigued, still single. Yeah, some people find love, but it feels like it’s a rare win. And honestly, a lot of people think these apps keep us single on purpose to make more money off of us. I get it, it’s a business. The longer we stay single, the longer they stay in business.
Where does that leave us? Stuck in the same loop: swiping, getting frustrated, and still single. But here's the thing: complaining about it isn’t going to fix anything. And it’s certainly not going to fix your dating life.
Here’s my issue: there’s too much complaining, too much finger-pointing, too much blaming dating apps for our woes. Everyone’s wondering where the good people are, why they can’t meet anyone, why dating apps suck, why the people they meet suck.
I get it! It’s hard out there! And I’ve been guilty of it too! But let me ask you something: if you’re on a dating app and you think you’re cool, then it can’t just be that everyone else is shitty, right? There has to be other cool people on there. So, why aren’t you meeting them?
We could ask that question over and over until the cows come home, so this is why I say to you, if you can’t find the right people on a dating app: Get off the app.
I’ve been saying this for years. If dating apps don’t work for you, quit. Find another way to meet people. I’ve talked about this on my podcast, on my Substack, everywhere. I know the idea of meeting people “in the wild” sounds intimidating—especially when social anxiety is at an all-time high. But if you want to meet someone face-to-face, you have to put yourself out there. Be the person you want to meet. Smile. Say hi. Start a conversation. It’s not always about swiping and waiting for someone to message you, it’s about being open to real-life interactions. Being open to life.
I don’t care how woo woo this sounds, but I think it all comes down to energy. What kind of energy are you putting out? Who do you believe you are? What are your standards in life? What will you tolerate? What are you choosing to focus on? Because if you’re entertaining bullshit on dating apps, then guess what? You’re part of the problem. Stop complaining if you’re just going to keep playing the game that’s making you miserable. It’s a classic case of the person who keeps repeating the same mistakes and then wonders why things keep happening the same way. “Why do these things keep happening to me?” Newsflash: it’s you. You’re the common denominator. If you keep attracting the same kind of people, or you keep having the same kind of experiences, I hate to say it, but there’s something you need to look at in the mirror. This is called self-awareness, and taking radical responsibility for your own life. This is how you take your attention off from dating apps, and back onto you and creating the life you want to live.
Now, okay, some fancy words from someone who hasn’t spent a ton of time on dating apps. I know. I deleted Hinge after only a few months. But I did meet someone on Bumble back in January who I’m currently seeing. He was my first match, which I’m sure is a one-in-a-million kind of thing. Some might even call that a blip in the algorithm. Maybe that’s true! Maybe it’s true that some dating app CEO is gleefully rubbing their palms together, thinking, “I want everyone to hate their lives! I want everyone to be alone forever!” while laughing one of those evil guy laughs. Hey! There are a lot of evil guys out there, so I dunno!
But I choose to think a little differently. I choose to think maybe it’s because I’ve done a shit ton of work on myself and, despite my initial kicking and screaming, I was open to the experience of being on a dating app — I was kind of embodying a “que sera sera” attitude, if you will — not depending on it too much, and checking on it only a couple times a week while focusing on other things in my life. More importantly, I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t. I won’t go into all the details of my experience (maybe I’ll save that for another post), but the one thing I’ve learned is that your attitude is everything.
Who do you want to be on this app? How are you connecting with people on there? What is your attitude when it comes to being on a dating app?
Let me tell you, your attitude is key when it comes to how you perceive the person messaging you, or not messaging you. It’s the difference between getting anxious and and mad when you don’t hear from a match, or simply shrugging it off as you head off to your yoga class and immerse yourself into your own life.
Your attitude is also huge when it comes to choosing the people who you are engaging with. What do you think of them? Do you assume they’re going to ghost you? Do you think they give off fuck boy vibes? Are you choosing people who are aligned with your values? Are you agreeing to dates with people just because you’re bored (and meanwhile your spidey sense was telling you, “Stay away!”)?
Your attitude is also essential when it comes to how you’re choosing to engage with these people. Are you assuming they’re like any other “jerk” you’ve messaged? Are you being guarded and/or too open right away? Are you continually testing your matches? Are you giving someone a second or third chance when they’ve already disappointed you?
When you realize that your attitude is everything when it comes to being on the apps, then this becomes a game changer. When you focus on your attitude and consciously choose how you’re going to show up on these apps, it puts everything in perspective. You realize that you get to choose how you’re letting this app control — or not control — your life. You get to choose your response to whatever is happening, or not happening. You get to choose how much importance this app actually has.
What also helps? Clarity on every single level. Communication is everything. Be vulnerable. Assert your boundaries. Know what you’re looking for and don’t waste your time on anything less. It’s easy to complain when you’re not being clear with what you want and what you’re looking for. But it’s a lot harder to take responsibility for how you’re showing up in your life, including in your relationships, when you don’t know what you want and you put the onus on the other person to lead, and basically make your mind up for you. Trust me, once you know who you are and what you want, your bullshit tolerance gets significantly lower.
You’re probably thinking: “Oh, easy for you to say, Brianne! You met someone on a dating app!”
Well, here’s the thing. I hated them anyway, I knew they weren’t my bag, so if I hadn’t met Mr. Bumble, I would’ve gotten my ass off that thing, no questions asked. I would’ve gone back to doing my own thing. Because I like my life I’ve created for myself, and I have no time to waste. If something doesn’t light me up, I’m not going to continue using it. I’m certainly not going to waste a precious minute of my life complaining about something that I have control over.
Because we don’t have to use dating apps just because we think we do! That’s a fallacy, and the more we buy into it, the more we’re going to believe that we need to become reliant on the thing that’s making us feel terrible. And you know what that sounds like? It sounds like self-harm.
So, here’s what I think. I think many people are so scared of being alone that they hold onto these dating apps, thinking they’re their only shot at meeting someone. You might even think that entertaining some douche bag for a few days is better than being alone, and then when he turns out to be a douche bag that you always kind of suspected he was, you’re back to complaining about the apps again, thinking it’s their fault. But that’s simply not true! The truth is, dating apps are not the problem. Our relationship with them — and to ourselves — is.
Dating apps are just like any tool. It’s not what the tool is, but how you use it. Ironically, yes, I know there are a lot of tools on dating apps too, but let’s not focus on that! Let’s focus on you taking full accountability for your life.
If you use dating apps with the mindset that they are just part of how you choose meet new people in your life, and that you’re okay one way or the other, and you’re not super reliant or attached to how dating apps are performing for you, and that you’re mindfully choosing a healthy mindset about them as you go about your life, then they’re actually not that bad.
But, if you’re scared to be single and you think dating apps are the only way to find connection, and you’re running on a scarcity mindset, then you’re setting yourself up for misery. Dating apps are not going anywhere, but they’re not your only answer. There are other ways to meet people! And if you’re scared to put yourself out there, and you think messaging a couple of people on your roster is making you feel less alone, while simultaneously making you feel like shit, then guess what? That’s on you.
What’s the fix? Well, I think you have to get comfortable with being single and being by yourself. You have to take time getting to the root of what’s keeping you stuck, while also creating a life that you don’t want to escape from by constantly going on an app. Until you do, you’re going to keep running into the same problems over and over again.
Look, I get it. I’ve been single for most of my adult life, and I had to spend a lot of time figuring out who I am, what I want, and how to date differently. Is it easy work? Hell no. But it’s the only way to stay true to yourself — and the only way to enjoy your life!
So here’s my tough love advice: if you’re scared to get off the apps, even though they make you feel like shit, get off them and get comfortable with being single. Get comfortable with who you are, and figure out what you really want out of life, with or without a partner. Know your values, your boundaries, and your non-negotiables. Seek support if you need it whether that’s therapy, a dating coach, or just talking to people who have been where you are. Stay curious about yourself and keep working on your life. When you do this, you become more attractive, not just to potential partners but to yourself. That energy is magnetic as fuck! But you know what isn’t magnetic? Constantly complaining about dating apps!
Friends, if you’re still using dating apps and they’re driving you crazy, ask yourself: why? Why are you still on them if they’re making you so miserable that you need to run to the group chat or Threads or TikTok to confess your woes and spill the tea? If you’re complaining about them but doing nothing to change your experience, then it’s time to ask yourself why you’re such a glutton for punishment! You don’t have to engage with them. You can meet people in the wild. I did! I met and dated people all throughout my 20s and 30s without going online. People still are! You don’t have to depend on these apps if they’re not making you happy.
I know this is a lot of “big sister” advice, but I see so much shit out there on social media about these apps, and while I certainly understand why you feel the way you do, I don’t understand constantly complaining about them.
In short: stop complaining. If dating apps aren’t working for you, delete them. There’s a whole world out there, full of people to meet. But the change has to start with you. Stop blaming the apps, stop blaming other people, and take responsibility for your own experience. The more you sit and complain, the more you’ll stay stuck.
So, quit shitting on dating apps — and get outside and touch some grass! Work on yourself. Enjoy yourself. Believe that you will find what you’re looking for. In the meantime, consider decentering finding a companion and get started on loving your own life. That’s the only way you’ll realize that dating apps aren’t that big of a deal. They’re just a tool that might or might not connect you with someone cool, and if they don’t? You’re going to be okay.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
