menopause & libido with Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus

Sex after 40? Yes, it’s still a thing.

There’s this tired narrative that once you hit your 40s as a woman, your sex life starts to fade into the background, like desire has an expiration date. But I’m not buying it, and neither should you. I believe women deserve to feel empowered in their bodies, not ashamed or sidelined. We should feel desirable on our own terms and stay deeply connected to our pleasure, whatever that looks like now, not what it’s supposed to look like according to someone else’s timeline.

If anything, midlife should be when we feel more connected to ourselves — more in tune with what makes us feel alive, wanted, powerful.

And finally, it feels like the world is starting to catch up. Oprah’s talking openly about menopause. Naomi Watts is building brands around it. Michelle Obama’s getting real about it. For the first time, menopause isn’t being treated like a dirty little secret we have to whisper about. We’re talking about what’s happening to our bodies, our hormones, our sex lives — without shame. Without disappearing. Without pretending that pleasure, desire, or intimacy has an expiration date either.

I’m not menopausal yet, but I think about it. I think about what I’ll look like in my late 40s and 50s. I think about how menopause will feel — how it will change me, my hormones, my sex drive, the way I see myself as a woman. And honestly? I want to walk into that next chapter feeling ready, not scared. Curious, not ashamed. Empowered, not erased.

This is part two of my Sex, Hormones & Reclaiming Pleasure in Midlife series, and today, we’re getting into the heart of it: menopause.

Check out Part One here:

I called in an expert: Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD — a sociologist, sexologist, intimacy coach, and resident sex expert at pjur — to talk about what really happens when our hormones shift, how it impacts our sex lives, and why pleasure doesn’t have to be a thing of the past. It just has to be redefined. By us.

Whether you're already there, on your way, or just wondering what’s ahead — this conversation is for you.

Let’s stop pretending we’re supposed to just power through it. Let’s get real answers. And let’s reclaim what’s always been ours: our bodies, our pleasure, our power.

But first, tell me:

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What are the most common misconceptions about sex during menopause, and how can we challenge them?

One of the biggest misconceptions is that menopause marks the end of a woman’s sex life or desire—which is simply not true. We can challenge this by normalizing conversations about how sex changes with age – for everyone, not just women – and highlighting the fact that what feels pleasurable may shift over time.

How do hormonal changes during menopause affect a woman’s libido, and what physical changes might impact sexual function?

Hormonal shifts during perimenopause can reduce sexual desire. Hormonal shifts can also negatively impact sleep, energy, body-image, emotional patience, and mental clarity, while increasing body aches, hot flashes, and anxiety. Subsequently, ALL of these can also negatively impact desire. Physically, women might experience vaginal dryness or thinning of tissue, which can make sex uncomfortable or painful. It’s definitely worth talking to a specialist about any perimenopause or menopause concerns and finding the right interventions.

Can good sex still be possible during menopause, and what factors can make it better for women in this phase?

Yes, good sex is still possible during perimenopause and menopause—but it often looks and feels different than it did before, and that shift can be frustrating or discouraging at times. What can make it better is acknowledging those changes with honesty, seeking support or treatment when needed, and exploring new ways to experience pleasure that match where your body and emotions are now. It’s not about “fixing” things—it’s about adapting with curiosity and care. And finding a partner who will support you and listen to you in the process.

What are some of the physical challenges women face (e.g., vaginal dryness, changes in lubrication) during menopause, and how can they be addressed to improve intimacy?

Many women experience vaginal dryness, vaginal thinning, pain with penetration, or a general decrease in sensitivity—none of which are easy to navigate, especially if they weren’t expecting it. But there are options: from over-the-counter lubricants (like pjur’s Woman silicone lube) and vaginal moisturizers to pelvic floor therapy and hormone replacement treatments. It may take trial and error to find what works, and what you need could shift throughout perimenopause and into menopause. These challenges are more manageable with support, openness, self-compassion, patience, and the right information.

How can women embrace their sexuality and feel more desirable during menopause, despite the changes happening in their bodies?

Feeling desirable during menopause can be complicated, especially when your body doesn’t feel—or respond—the way it used to. But sexuality isn’t about looking a certain way; it’s about feeling connected to yourself and knowing that you deserve pleasure throughout your lifetime. This connection can come from rediscovering what feels good now by trying new toys and body stimulants (e.g., pjur’s Woman Lust Stimulating Gel), stimulating your brain (and therefore your body) through reading erotica or listening to erotic story apps, communicating your needs openly to your partner, and being patient and kind to yourself.

What role does emotional and psychological well-being play in maintaining a healthy sex drive during menopause, and how can women nurture this aspect?

Mental and emotional health deeply impact sexual desire, especially during a time when many women are juggling aging parents, career shifts, changing bodies, and identity transitions. Tending to your emotional well-being with compassion—through therapy, journaling, meditation, mindfulness practices, honest conversations, or simply slowing down—can create the spaciousness needed for desire to take root.

What are some practical tips or tools women can use to enhance intimacy and sexual pleasure during menopause?

First off, know that it’s totally normal to not experience much “spontaneous desire” – meaning, you don’t just feel horny out of the blue. This means that you need the right context to cultivate your sexual desire which might include emotional connection, relaxation time, and “priming your own pump” by reading erotic, touching yourself, or fantasizing.

Also, use lube—always. Schedule time for connection, bring a new vibrator and good silicone lube like pjur Infinity, and explore new types of touch and turn-ons together. Most importantly, give yourself permission to prioritize pleasure—and the time that it takes—without guilt or apology.

How can partners support each other to maintain or reignite intimacy and desire during menopause?