how i'm reevaluating my life at 42 (pt. 1)
...from money to fashion to love
I am loathe to admit that, back in 2021, I bought a lot of tie-dye clothing.
A sweatshirt. A tank top. A bodysuit. A dress.
It was a lot of tie-dye for someone who’s never dropped acid or smoked a joint, and has never once attended a Grateful Dead concert. Ever.
I could blame this unfortunate fashion choice on the era — we were still in the midst of the pandemic. It was normal for us to celebrate sourdough starters and knitting, while we did silly dances on TikTok — it was a weird time.
But, that’s not all that was amiss in my world (or the world at large, for that matter). I was also participating in an off-on situationship with my ex (who just happened also to be the same man who has my first love/boyfriend) and working at a communications job that I didn’t love, while freelancing on the side. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do — both with the ex and the job— but I knew I didn’t want to keep either. I was stuck, but comfortable. And when you’re stuck and comfortable, not much changes for you.
I was doing a lot of self-reflection and healing at this time too — I was doing the work — and reading all these books, having all sorts of sessions with different practitioners. Sure, I was recognizing certain patterns of mine — being self-aware is one of my super powers — but I still felt like I was on a hamster wheel. My inner life/world was shifting, but nothing was really changing in my day-to-day life.
So I decided to quit the job to go full-time to freelancing. But then, the freelancing dried up.
Then I finally said good bye to the ex. But I wasn’t meeting men who were great matches for me.
The good news? I wasn’t buying, or wearing, anymore tie-dye clothing. But I was still buying clothes that I thought looked good on others but didn’t necessarily reflect my own tastes or lifestyle (hello, #microtrends).
Something still wasn’t gelling. Life felt unbalanced. I was finally coming into my own in a way I never had before — that’s the beauty of turning 40 — but a few puzzle pieces still felt missing. I was living, but not fully. Something remained misaligned, though I couldn’t quite name it. I kept repeating patterns, even when I knew better.
Then, last year, life kinda had its way with me. In other words, a shit show.
I had no freelance work. I was blowing through my savings. I was still single. I wanted to date — or so I said — but I was digging in my heels when it came to actually…dating. Some friendships bit the dust. And my closet? Full. Too full. And full of stuff that I didn’t want or like or wear. Stuff that I had outgrown.
This was clearly a sign from the Universe. A metaphor if you will: I was still carrying stuff that I had outgrown. I was still a ME that I had outgrown.
I remember thinking: “Thanks for this, Universe. I hear you. It sucks, but…I get it. So who am I? And what does this Brianne do differently now?”
I asked my mom recently about this topsy-turvy time in my life: “Why do you think this happened? Things are picking up now, but why couldn’t they have just picked up back then? Why did I have to go through all that?”
She replied: “It was to get you closer to God.”
Now, regardless of your views on religion or spirituality — though I do hope you have some sort of spiritual practice — if we take the word “God” out of the equation, I think what my mom was really saying was this: that time was meant to bring me closer to love.
And by love, I don’t just mean romantic love or love between people. I mean the love you have for yourself. The kind of love you’re meant to cultivate in this lifetime — by being fully, unapologetically you. By living the life that’s authentically mapped out for you, and only you.
What my intuition said quietly, and what life was telling me loudly, was that I needed to be more intentional with...everything.
Of course this surprised me since I’ve been the person who moves across country — twice — who quits jobs to follow her heart (I’ve done this more than twice). Who is very conscious when it comes to what I do, and who I spend my time with…
For the most part.
But there was another part of me stuck in a familiar loop. The part that looked at life from the outside rather than the inside. Who still felt more comfortable juggling freelance gigs than diving into the novel I wanted to write. Who remained single or entertained toxic exes, even though I knew better. Who still bought outfits for “dressy” events I’d never attend — especially not in Vancouver, where I currently live, and where athleisure, Lululemon, and hoodies and leggings are considered fashion staples. But more importantly — outfits that, yes, looked good and appealed to my Taurus Moon and love for luxury, but which also didn’t really feel like me.
I love luxury, yes. But I also love comfort. I love casual elegance. I like easy. I like things that are simple and sexy. But I wasn’t buying clothes (or living my life) with that intention.
I wasn’t thinking in terms of: simple, comfortable, authentic, curated — not in my wardrobe, not in my friendships, work, finances, and definitely not in my dating life.
I realized I wasn’t being intentional with what I truly wanted and valued in life: connection, creativity, community and companionship. (And, yes, alliteration.)
There are a million — or maybe fewer — reasons why this pattern persisted, but I was less concerned with the why and more obsessed with… HOW DO I FIX THIS? Or rather — because I don’t like to refer to our healing as “fixing” — how do I choose differently? How do I embody these values in my life so that they’re reflected in all areas — including my money, love life, and yes, even fashion choices?
Because here’s the thing, friends: life is going to show us who we are in every area. And chances are, if we’re not fully showing up authentically or intentionally in one, it’s going to spill into another.
Like that ugly tie-dye shirt, I was reacting to life on autopilot instead of choosing with intention — choosing what I truly wanted, what had more sustainability, and what actually felt like me. The me I wanted to be. The me without all the other shit attached — like choosing work/love/clothes that were okay, but not fulfilling. Not life-changing.
NOT ME.
Life had brought me to square one. So I decided to start from scratch and deliberately — intentionally — start creating the changes I wanted to see in my life…from my money to my closet to my love life.
And next week, I’ll tell you exactly how I did it — and how I’m still doing it — including, yes, cleaning out my closet, my bank account, and my old dating hang-ups.
In the meantime, please let me know:
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
