Would you do a LDR?

aka LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

I’ve been in two long distance relationships, a.k.a. LDRs.

OK, OK, since this is me and I’m referring to my own relationship history, I wouldn’t necessarily call them “relationships” (geez, sometimes I really consider myself the female equivalent of Chandler Bing). One was definitely a situationship, and the other one was, well, we were definitely dating exclusively, so I guess it was a relationship but it never felt fully formed and grounded. Probably why we broke up after a few months!

In fact, the average length of an LDR is 4.5 months — which checks out on my end — and about half end in breakups. So I guess I’m in good company.

There are a number of reasons why neither of those situations worked out for me. Mostly because all parties involved, including myself, were leaning on the avoidant end of the attachment style spectrum, and looking back, a LDR felt emotionally safer. There was no real emotional intimacy needed, and every time we saw each other, it felt like a vacation, or an episode of The Bachelor, so it was easy to get away with connecting on a surface level. It was fun and passionate! We were sightseeing and cuddling and having sex! There was no time for anything scary like conflict and real communication to come into the picture.

The stats on LDRs are interesting. As our technology has increased (think Skype, FaceTime, social media) so has the likelihood of having a LDR.

In Canada, approximately one third of all LDRs are maintained by young adults
aged 20 to 24. This stat seems pretty much across the board, with studies showing that 75% of students experience long-distance relationships. I don’t have the heart to tell them that only 2% of high school relationships survive the long-distance phase.

Here are some other numbers when it comes to LDRs:

• More than 90% of people living in the UK and Europe have been in a long-distance relationship.

• 14 million people in the U.S. are in a long-distance relationship.

• 10% of married couples started together as a long-distance relationship.

• 55% of people are worried that their partner will meet someone else.

• 66% of people think the lack of physical intimacy is the biggest obstacle in their relationship.

• A 2018 survey of long-distance couples found that 27% had never lived near each other.

• About 50% of couples in the survey had met each other online.

• The average couple in a LDR live an average of 125 miles apart (which is the approximate distance between Los Angeles and San Diego, about a 2.5 to 3-hour drive).

So here’s my thing. When half of LDRs end in breakups, with most of them anixety-riddled, and only 10 percent of these relationships end up in marriages, why are we still doing the LDR? Are we all hung up on the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” rhetoric or do we have attachment issues that need a deeper dive? Do we honestly think we won’t find anyone close by? Or are we all just a bunch of hopeless romantics? Maybe it’s all of the above.

Anyway.

Since we’re in the thick of a new academic year, and because at my core, I am a lover girl who believes that love can conquer all — that is with matched effort, energy, and communication — I asked Anastasiya Pochotna, relationships and dating expert at the dating app Flirtini, for her advice and insight on the realities of being in a LDR.

First, what are some tips on how to sustain a long-distance relationship"?

1. Reinvent the routine
Mix things up to keep your connection interesting rather than slipping into the trap of everyday communication. Spontaneity is your best friend here. So by all means, go crazy: send surprise voice notes where you share what happened to you in a day, or create short video clips that show something unique about your environment. Just imagine listening to a little podcast or a vlog from your partner, isn't it pure whimsy? Plus, you can create a weekly playlist that matches your mood or has songs that remind you of each other.

2. Gamify your time apart
Distance doesn't have to be a burden — make it a fun challenge! You can give playful tasks to each other to make your separation feel more like a game. For instance, see who can find the strangest snack on campus or make the funniest meme by the end of the week. Moreover, to add more effort into this you can organize a weekly photo scavenger hunt to take pictures of odd things you see in your regular life. These tiny challenges keep things lighthearted, creating shared memories even when you're not physically together.

3. Build a virtual date kit
Dates are even more important when you are apart. Create a "virtual date kit" to use when you miss one other. This could be a list of movies or TV episodes you want to watch together while on the phone, online games you both enjoy or even recipes you can prepare simultaneously in your different kitchens. Planning these virtual dates ahead of time adds to the excitement and guarantees your time together is intentional, not just a means to pass the time.

4. Write each other paper letters
Handwritten letters have a timeless, romantic quality that digital communication will never match. Writing letters to each other can become a cherished tradition in which you share thoughts and feelings that would be difficult to explain with a WhatsApp message. To make it even more memorable, include little personal touches such as doodling, pressed flowers, polaroid photos, or a spritz of perfume/cologne. These letters are a beautiful, physical reminder of your love for each other (and hard evidence, lol).

5. Set future goals together
Find tiny, common goals that you can attain together, even if you're separated. This could be reading the same book by the end of the month, beginning a brief online course together, or learning a new talent to demonstrate when you ultimately meet. These shared milestones give you things to work for together, making your time apart feel more useful and important. 

LDRs…it’s a lifestyle, huh? Photo by Eduardo Velazco Guart on Unsplash

So why does a LDR work for some and not others?

LDRs work for some because both people are committed to building trust and staying connected, despite the distance. They see it as a temporary challenge, not a permanent barrier. For others, the physical separation leads to emotional distance, which can weaken the relationship. Without a shared goal or strong communication, I’m afraid, it's easy for the connection to fade, making the relationship feel unsustainable over time.

Does age factor into the success of an LDR?