i'm Joanne from Nobody Wants This
Does this mean I'm immature?!
I watched Nobody Wants This twice within one week not just because I was so horny for Hot Rabbi Noah’s (Adam Brody) emotional availability – like the rest of my Millennial women cohorts – but because I think Joanne (Kristen Bell) is me.
Keeps men at an emotional distance? Check. Comes from a dysfunctional family? Check. Hosts a sex positive podcast? Check. Has trouble communicating her feelings in a healthy and vulnerable way? CHECK CHECK CHECK.
Joanne is not getting nearly enough attention than Noah, which I guess is typical considering we pretty much throw parades whenever men show up doing the absolute bare minimum. Sigh.
On social media, while everyone’s panting over Noah’s beard and his sports coat, I noticed Joanne is getting more flack than anything with many people citing her as immature and unevolved for someone her age.
“I didn’t care for the character of Joanne at all. It’s clear that she’s over 40 with the maturity of a 20 year old.”
“Joanne isn’t acting her age.”
“Why is she a mess at 4o?”
Hold on. Who says she’s a mess? Because she’s not married or has children? And what is so immature about a middle aged single woman who is still figuring out her triggers and patterns? Don’t get me started on how society loves to infantilize single women without children (we’ll leave that for another day). Do we really believe that people who are married and have children, are the only ones who have their shit together? LOL. If that were the case, our parents would’ve been perfect and they wouldn’t have fucked us up, but we know that’s not true!
Let’s get one thing clear. While Joanne is flawed (as we all are) she’s also pretty awesome. Joanne is obviously successful in her career and has friends who care about her. She has a great house! A great kitchen! A great sense of humor! A great (fake) fur coat!
So, she has some relationship hiccups and hang ups. Big whoop. I mean, it’s clearly stopped her from having healthy, committed relationships, but I don’t think that makes her immature. I think that’s what we call being human. Based on what we know about her family – she’s a child of divorce, her parents, among other things, are self-involved and still figuring themselves out – she suffers from childhood trauma (lol don’t we all) which has led her to act out in her romantic relationships mostly because she doesn’t value herself (hi!). I can relate to this, and I can imagine plenty of other women — and men! — do too.
It’s disappointing to read how much we judge women on different lifestyle choices, and how often we generalize how people should act and behave by a certain age. Perhaps it might be wiser to accept that we all develop on our own time, in our own way.
What I find really interesting about the hype around Nobody Wants This, especially around how many women’s ovaries are aching to meet someone like Noah, is that we’re not giving enough credit to Joanne on how hard it is to choose differently, and act differently when it comes to relationships.
It’s pretty easy to keep choosing the same man over and over again. Trust me. It’s also pretty easy to repeat the same behaviour over and over again, falling into the same patterning loops that keep you stuck from not just choosing to be different, but believing you deserve to be different.
Yes, when Noah tells Joanne that he can “handle” her when she attempts to break up with him is definitely swoon worthy. But where are the kudos for Joanne’s decision to stay and bust through her old patterns? It’s like deciding to put on the running shoes at 6am when your go-to is to press snooze. It’s tough! You’re literally teaching your body – your nervous system, your neural pathways – that doing that thing that would normally make you flee or freeze, is, in fact, good for you.
Take it from me — when you’re so used to accepting bread crumbs or constantly thinking you need to prove your worth to someone, meeting a kind and emotionally open person like Noah, who not only sees you, but accepts you for you, can be a very difficult thing to digest. This is why it’s easy to return to the bad guys who don’t text back or refuse to commit – it feels normal.
When a woman like Joanne, or myself, meets a man who’s emotionally safe and open, who communicates respectfully, kindly, and vulnerably, that’s not normal.
That’s why it was so easy for her to get the ick when she saw the sports coat and the stupidly large sunflowers. Just like her past relationships, it was easy for her to convince herself: “I don’t want this.” (Because, remember, nobody really wants this relationship to work out…not even Joanne.)
But she stays. And not only does Joanne stay, but we see her continuing to stay in situations that would otherwise feel sticky to her, like when she admits to Noah she did look in his Rebecca box, or when decides to go all in and reveal to Noah her biggest fear: that one day she will become emotionally dependent on a guy like him who will decide she’s too much and break her heart.
She might’ve shared her truth with her back turned – hey, baby steps! – but the point is, she does it. She does the hard thing! Do you know how fucking hard it is to be vulnerable and speak your biggest fear to someone who is your biggest fear?! TALK ABOUT MATURITY, PEOPLE!
Joanne is a good example of a woman who might be flailing a bit in the relationship department (lol who isn’t) but she’s doing the work on herself. She’s not self-sabotaging. She’s not leaning on old patterns and tricks. Instead, she’s choosing differently.
How about we throw a parade for her, huh?!
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Having shared the same fears as Joanne (except for the facelift part, surgery of any kind scares the living daylights out of me) — and as someone who literally had an ex-boyfriend tell me I was too much — I watched this scene with awe (and some tears) and I thought to myself: I can’t wait to be able to say this to my future Noah.
Because that’s why I watched Nobody Wants This twice within a week. I wanted to see the reflection of a woman like me – a middle aged, sex positive, creative weirdo – who decides to stop running from love and challenges herself to become the woman who stays.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xo
Brie Loves This Week
Here are some things that I love this week…
💝 Voice notes with friends 💝 Calling myself “sweetheart” whenever I’m doing something difficult 💝 Pilates class (I do Alo Moves with Bianca Wise and her classes are killer!) 💝 My bangs are finally at the perfect length IYKYK 💝 Parallel parking! (after years of telling myself I couldn’t do it, I am proud of myself for doing it!) 💝 Taking the time to go to doctor visits 💝 Baking chocolate chip pumpkin gluten-free cookies on Baking Sunday (email me if you want the recipe!) 💝 Finishing my third rom-com book synopsis…with a glass of wine! 💝 Olive’s little snores when she sleeps. 🤭
SONG
This song cheers me up! I mean, who doesn’t love thinking about their little crush? Or who doesn’t wish someone was thinking about them all the time?
TV SHOW
I mean, duh.
The METS JACKET
Vancouver’s biggest New York Mets fan!
This is great!!!