can men and women *truly* be just friends?
my thoughts + links
Can men and women *truly* be just friends?
Well, I present you with exhibit A — the recent convo I had with one of my girlfriends and her recent experience with a guy she was talking to.
First, some background: my friend — let’s call her Mary — was questioning whether this new guy and his “friendship” with a girl was legit or actually a red flag. In full disclosure, when Mary first talked to me about this guy and asked for my opinion about his friendship, I told her to give him a chance. LOL. In my defense, as someone who’s had male (cis hetero!) friends throughout my life — some of which are some of my closest friends today — I thought I could speak fairly confidently on the subject.
You see, I’ve always been a little bit of a tomboy. I grew up with boy cousins and throughout my childhood and adolescence, I always had (straight) male friends (I have gay guy friends too, but for the purpose of this discussion, let’s assume I am referring to cis hetero men). I love making friends with guys, and have done so throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I’m basically Cameron Diaz! Just one of the guysssss!
I like being friends with men. I like how they think and communicate (not all the time, but I find it fascinating how their brains work). I like how they keep things simple. I love their sense of humour. I appreciate their honesty and protection. I enjoy how dumb and silly they can be. I adore their trustworthiness and lack of drama. What can I say? I’m a sucker for some masculine energy. Spritz me down with some Old Spice and toss me movie references that mask as jokes, and I’m a goner. That’s not to say I’m not a girl’s girl — because I’d like to think I am too — but there’s something unique about being friends with a guy that’s refreshing. (Plus my guy friends give grrrrreat relationship advice from the male POV, which is *chef’s kiss*!)
Suffice to say I’d like to think that men and women can truly be just friends. But that’s not to say that “the sex part” doesn’t get in the way — as Harry (Billy Crystal) so famously said to Sally (Meg Ryan) in Nora Ephron’s rom-com When Harry Met Sally. The film itself is an interesting take on the platonic possibility between a man and a woman. We’re supposed to think that it can work — that these two charming people can sustain and maintain a consuming and demanding friendship, which is totally sex-free, while also balancing the other responsibilities in their lives. And yet…they get married in the end! LOL. So much for that theory!
Which brings me back to my friend’s recent debacle with douchebag Charlie and his “friend.” It got me thinking that as someone with a number of close heterosexual male friends, I believe a friendship between a man and woman is possible — but only if both parties are on the same page and probably have been so since day one.
Here’s the rub, though. Looking back, I don’t know if alllll of my friendships with men have been purely platonic. For example, I once had a close male friend who eventually tried to woo me. Though I didn’t feel the same way, I did like and appreciate him as a person and as a friend, and I expressed this to him.
“So, you’re permanently putting me in the friend zone?” he asked, shuddering. (As if friend zone actually meant Twilight Zone.)
Instead of valuing the extension of friendship, he took it as a form of penalization because his feelings weren’t reciprocated, and after a few more awkward encounters, I didn’t hear from him again.
It made me feel as if he was only being friends with me because he thought by being in the friend zone, that he would ultimately hit the ‘end zone’ — if ya know what I mean.
I would be lying if I thought he was the outlier. Truthfully, I’ve had a number of male friends mysteriously disappear from my life after spending a lot of platonic time with me, and I wonder now if it’s because they were all looking for more yet never spoke up.
Case in point: when a male friend told me recently, much to my surprise, that he suspects *another* male friend of mine had carried a torch for me for “years.” I WAS SHOOK. And also, I had a little bit of an “aw shucks!” moment because I truly believed we had been truly just friends since day one. It felt as if the sanctity of our friendship had been tarnished, if only slightly.
I’m not sharing this because I think I’m as hot as Cameron Diaz — although I did JUST compare myself to her. I’m sharing this because, well, I hate to say it but I think my own belief system has been turned upside down! I’m now questioning the validity of men and women truly being just friends without the sex part getting in the way.
Look, that’s not to say men and women can’t be friends. I believe they can, and I am living proof of it. Howeverrrr, I do think it’s natural for feels to come up at some point. Again, not for everyone, but let’s call a spade a spade here, we’re people with hormones. Some of us even have loose morals and boundaries. It can definitely happen!
So here’s what I think are red flags when it comes to men and women being “just friends” and you’re the person thinking of dating one of them (like my friend Mary), here’s what I think you need to look out for:
they dated before (really get an overview of their history and how heavily invested they were; sometimes it’s fine, but most times it’s not)
they hang out A LOT (like basically they’re BFFs)
they talk ALL THE TIME (this could be problematic)
their friend is obviously jealous of you dating and is controlling/possessive of them
their friend is very attractive (I’m sorry but I’m keeping it real)
they were friends with benefits at some point (who’s to say they won’t keep drinking from the same well from time to time?)
you just have a weird feeling about them (listen to your intuition! trust me and Mary!)
So what are the ground rules for male and women being truly just friends? BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN US!
OK, here’s what I think:
Communicate the shit out of each other! First thing’s first — if you are at all romantically interested in your friend, just rip off the band aid and get it out in the open. That way you’re both free of this unspoken THING that has the ability to fuck things up and just talk about it so you both know what’s going on. So you both can handle it! I had a male friend do this once after we hung out for the first time. I turned him down, he got over it, and now we’re good TRUE friends! And, of course, communication is necessary all the way around. Whether you need to express your needs and desires, or talk about something difficult, talking it out is vital for your friendship to remain solid and authentic.
Respect your bond. If you respect one another, then I think it’s only natural for you to appreciate and value what you have. Friendships with the opposite sex often offer more diverse perspectives and interests than same-sex friends, keeping things interesting and fresh, and I think the more respect you have for the other person and what you share, you bond remains sacred and real.
Don’t let jealousy fuck it up. I think it’s easy for the green-eyed monster to take control. We might become possessive of our friend, especially if they start seeing someone. I’m not going to lie — this has happened to me! Suddenly you’re not spending as much time with your friend because they’re dating someone and you’re like, “Excuse me! WHAT ABOUT ME!?!” But you need to treat your friendship with a man or woman the same as you would with someone of the same gender. Respect their life outside of your friendship and love up on those boundaries while remembering that nothing bad can take away a legit friendship.
Respect their relationships. An important point because your friend will date someone or maybe they’re married to someone or living someone or whatever. So respect their partner! Limit physical intimacy (my god I hope you’re only high-fiving and giving the odd hug! Cuddling with someone is….nope) and include their partner on some activities that you do together. Give *some* advice on their love life (especially if they’re unhappy) but don’t become the third wheel! Know your place.
Have fun. Honestly, leave all the gender bullshit aside and just enjoy each other! Friendships are wonderful things to have in the world and we should be so lucky to have the opportunity to spend our time and make memories with someone special whether they’re the opposite sex or not!
Let me know what you think — can men and women truly be friends?
Don’t be shy! Share a story or two!
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
P.S. here are some links to articles I’ve written on the subject:
Can Men & Women Really *Just* Be Friends? Experts Unpack The Old When Harry Met Sally Debate