are you getting divorced this month?
here's what to know
I’ve never been divorced.
Well, you need to be married to get divorced, and I’ve never been married. Or engaged. Or in a relationship that’s lasted longer than six months.
OK, clearly, I don’t have the first clue on what it feels like to be divorced (or share my bed and bathroom sink on a full-time basis).
I bring this up because January is National Divorce Month. (I know — like this month can get any more depressing).
What a way to start the year, huh? On one hand, we have the single people stressing so much over their relationship status, they’re engaging in Dating Sunday, and on the other, we have the married people stressing so much over their relationship status, they want to divorced. Bottom line: all of us are grappling with our own experience/desire/fear of connection.
So what gives? Well, naturally, this is a month for reflection (and, let’s be real, it’s been a helluva month for reflection). Maybe spending the holidays together was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe you want to have a fresh start this year.
Whatever the reason, according to a 2016 report from the University of Washington, researchers noted a consistent rise in divorce proceedings beginning in January. Another reported couples are at least thinking about divorce proceedings more often in January, and typically file in March or April.
If this resonates, you’re probably like, okay, so now what?
Well, I like to provide information and clarity to my readers when it comes to these types of topics and trends. It’s one thing to read the data; it’s another to know what to do about it.
If you’re going through a divorce, or thinking about it — or know someone who is — I wanted to talk to someone who could provide you with some insight and answers because divorce is one of the hardest choices a person can make.
The most important thing about me, for quite a long chunk of my life, was that I was divorced. Even after I was no longer divorced but remarried, this was true. I have now been married to my third husband for more than twenty years. But when you've had children with someone you're divorced from, divorce defines everything; it's the lurking fact, a slice of anger in the pie of your brain. - Nora Ephron
I interviewed “marriage-loving” divorce attorney and renowned family law and relationship expert Nicole Sodoma, author of PLEASE DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY, and asked for her advice and tips when it comes to navigating that other D-word.
Clarity on Moving Forward
How can people tell if they are emotionally ready to move forward with the divorce process?
Many people feel like they will never be “ready”—much like preparing for parenthood! Every situation is deeply personal, but some key indicators may signal it’s time to move forward. One is an inability to envision a future with your spouse. Others include the loss of physical and emotional intimacy or a significant breakdown in communication. These signs often point to a disconnect that may be difficult to overcome.
Are there signs that reconciliation is still possible, and how can people navigate those feelings while protecting themselves legally?
Reconciliation is possible when both partners are committed to true transparency and open, honest communication. Signs of this include a willingness to address underlying issues and actively work on the relationship. I often recommend engaging with a therapist or participating in a comprehensive couples retreat to explore and correct the patterns and dynamics contributing to the separation.
One way to protect yourself legally during this process is to consider a post-nuptial agreement. This agreement demonstrates the intent to reconcile while also outlining how assets would be valued and divided if separation becomes the ultimate outcome. A post-nuptial agreement requires full disclosure and trust from both parties. If trust has been significantly eroded, it will likely become evident during these discussions, offering further clarity about the state of the relationship.
What advice would you give someone struggling with guilt or uncertainty about ending their marriage?
Educate yourself. It’s important to understand the realities of what lies ahead, especially since your spouse could ultimately make the same decision. Guilt often stems from a sense of violating social or religious norms or from feeling responsible for breaking marital vows. If that’s the case, I encourage you to reflect deeply on what’s driving your guilt. If you’re still committed to the relationship, focus on repairing it and rebuilding trust where possible.
Despite my practice in divorce law, I’m a marriage-loving divorce attorney. I believe in giving relationships every opportunity to heal before deciding to separate. Ending a marriage may feel like the “easy way out,” but it rarely is. It can be necessary and even transformative, but it is.
Support and Healing
Are there resources or practices you recommend to help people cope emotionally through the legal process?
Therapy, whether individual or couples counseling, can be invaluable for processing emotions and gaining perspective. Mindfulness practices like meditation or journaling help calm the mind, while physical activities like yoga or walking can help release tension.
Leaning on trusted friends, family, or joining a support group provides connection and reassurance. Lastly, staying closely connected with your attorney to ensure you feel informed and empowered can help reduce stress and prevent feelings of helplessness.
What are the most common emotional pitfalls you see clients struggle with, and how can others avoid them?
The most common emotional pitfall is reacting impulsively to your spouse without taking time to process. Divorce is an emotionally charged process, but immediate reactions often escalate conflicts or set a negative tone for future interactions. Unless it’s an emergency, most situations don’t require an immediate response.
Other pitfalls include relying on your attorney as a therapist or attempting to use the legal system as a tool for vindication. Both approaches can be emotionally draining, financially costly, and counterproductive to achieving a resolution.
To avoid these missteps, give yourself space to process emotions before responding and seek support from professionals like therapists who are equipped to help you manage your feelings. By approaching the process with thoughtfulness and clarity, you can set a more constructive tone for communication and decision-making.
Planning for Emotional Growth
What advice do you have for people emotionally preparing themselves for the financial or lifestyle changes that divorce might bring?
Keep a Protected Journal: Start a journal under the direction of your attorney to ensure its confidentiality. Use it to document your experiences during the divorce process, including conversations and key details. The emotional "fog" that often accompanies separation and divorce can make it hard to remember important moments, and this record can be invaluable.
Seek Professional Support: Work closely with a therapist or another trusted professional who offers confidentiality. Having a safe space to process your emotions and receive support can make a significant difference in navigating this challenging time.
Engage a New Financial Advisor: Identify and collaborate with a new financial advisor to help you plan for the financial changes ahead. If you and your spouse currently share a financial advisor, it’s best to establish a relationship with someone independent to avoid potential conflicts of interest.
How can people reframe their divorce as an opportunity for growth rather than just a loss?
Exactly that—reframe the experience! Start by shifting your focus toward the future and what lies ahead. If you have children, prioritize their needs and what they require from both parents, keeping in mind that you can only control your own actions.
See divorce as a chance to start fresh, crafting a new vision and a future that’s entirely yours to create. It’s never too late to pursue the dreams you’ve put on hold or to learn something new. Approach this chapter with curiosity—explore new possibilities until you find the one that makes your heart sing with excitement. Remember, you create your own happiness and peace.
Think of divorce as an evolution, a series of phases that allow you to rediscover and rebuild yourself. Take the time to create a life that reflects your unique interests, not the shared priorities of a partnership. Most importantly, learn to hear and trust your own voice again, and it will guide you toward a more fulfilling and authentic future.
I love Nicole’s last paragraph here, which I think applies to…life. At the very least, life after any type of breakup.
Like life, relationships evolve. Some can go the distance, while others simply can’t. For the longest time I thought a breakup meant “failure” — but now I see that endings, as difficult as they are, lead to new beginnings. We are always evolving in some way. I think when we resist the natural unfolding of what is, is when we resist the exact thing that needs to fall away. When we learn to trust our inner voice — and the rhythm of life — I do believe we are being guided to where we’re meant to be.
Please share this with a friend or family member who might need to read this!
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
