Actually maybe I won't date for the plot
I dunno, might be a red flag?
I know in last week’s post — the one that I detailed my dating goals for the whole world to see — that I mentioned I was going to date for the plot this year.
Now I’m seeing how that might be a red flag ABOUT ME.
Dating for the plot means, seeing where things go. Dating for the experience. The curiosity. The lessons. The sex.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open to meeting new people and having new experiences! In fact, sometimes I don’t think I’ve done it nearly enough! As I mentioned before, I think I get kind of stuck with expectations when it comes to dating (well, life, but let’s not open that barrel of monkeys) and have been mainly results-oriented. (WHERE IS THIS GOING? WHAT ARE WE? that type of thing.)
BUT…after doing a little self-inventory on my dating life, I’ve come to the conclusion that another major pattern of mine has been — drum roll — dating just for the plot! I’ve definitely been a “Let’s see where this goes” kind of dater - and sometimes to my detriment. Well, I guess I’d say mostly because I’m still single and have only been in situationships for the last 10 years. In some really odd and powerful way, I’ve managed to have high expectations in low stakes relationships. EXPLAIN THAT ONE TO ME.
Anyway. What came to me is, yes, dating for the plot allows us to stay open and present to new shared experiences and keeps the pressure off but also…I think it can keep us safe from allowing ourselves to go deeper. When we’re a laissez-faire-ing all over our dating life, it’s pretty easy to get lazy and uncentered. Worse, we might mute our truest needs and desires in the name of staying casual and cool, and “doing it for the plot, man.” I know I’ve been guilty of this. Staying safe on the sidelines, ignoring my vulnerability, just so I can wait this situation out and squeeze out some last ounces of fun with a man I’d like to see naked.
Is it fun, though? I mean it definitely can be — especially and most specifically if the people involved are on the same page — but how long can the fun last without any clear direction? Someone’s gotta stamp that expiration date on the situation at some point, and in my case, by the time that’s happened, uh oh! I’m already invested in a situation that wasn’t supposed to go anywhere! And I didn’t even say anything!
Dating for the plot seems to be the healthy choice — you know, being open minded, keeping things loose as you connect with another — but it also feels like a red flag that has emotional unavailability and avoidance written all over it.
Then again, I don’t want to date everyone with the mindset that they must desperately be boyfriend material.
I’m obviously still figuring out this whole thing.
I go into it here a little bit on TikTok.
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In related news: My first dating coaching session starts this week! Maybe I can get to the bottom of it. I’ll report back with my findings.
Love, Brie