The most overrated places to have sex
sex on the beach? really?
It’s finally spring! Or, at least, spring-ish. Springtime makes people horny.
I don’t make the rules.
Blame it on the daylight and the increased serotonin levels, and the fact that we’re finally able to show some SKIN. There’s something primal about this time of year. Birds mate in spring. So do otters. Hibernating animals are ready to get out of their dens, get some food, and grab an extra mate or two. And aren’t we all just a bunch of animals at heart?
So with all of these wackadoodle pheromones going around, you’re probably to looking to do something a little spicy, right?
“The bedroom again?” You might groan. Even the living room love seat will soon lose its proverbial charm. But before you go all Elon Musk-like with ideas and schemes to up the ante, I’m here to remind you that a lot of those so-called “hot” places to do it are overrated.
Here’s a reality check for you.
The Shower
It’s wet, it’s slippery. Pretty much seems like a no-brainer, right? Wrong. You wouldn’t drive, or even walk, to the corner store under wet and slippery conditions if you didn’t have to. And you want to know why? Because you’d die. Or, at the very least, slip and fall and break your knee, which is exactly what could happen if you even try to do any funny business in the shower.
It really comes down to science: all those sharp angles + a small space = jabbing in all the wrong places. Then there’s all that water flowing onto you. Blurry vision, burning eyes (if you’ve got shampoo mixed up in this scenario), and pruny skin are so not sexy. And don’t even think of going south on your partner—it’s like coming up for air underneath a waterfall. If you really want to do something in the shower together, stick to bathing. Washing your girlfriend’s hair is probably one of the most sensual acts you’re NOT doing.
From personal experience, making out in the shower is pretty hot! And taking a bath together? Even hotter.
Beach
I blame “From Here to Eternity” and that disgusting cocktail for this farce. Yes, the beach is very romantic. The water, the horizon, and the all-you-can-drink wristband around your wrist would make anyone horny. The issue here is with sand. And, like it or not, every beach has sand. It kind of has to. You know how annoying it is when you have sand stuck in your shoe? Well, imagine it being stuck up in some other crevice or two. Exactly: ouch.
Sure, you can prepare for sex on the beach and bring a towel or a blanket, but you know that towel isn’t going to be big enough, and, well, sand is still going to become between the two of you anyway. You can’t escape it. I’d opt for skinny dipping instead.
I’ve never done this. But I did go to a couples’ resort alone. Which I have to say was probably the better option.
The Kitchen Floor
That scene in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” made doing it in the kitchen look hot, but they also destroyed the shit out of their home, and who can afford for that? The kitchen floor is hard, cold, and pretty unforgiving. Assuming you don’t mop everyday, it’s probably a little unsanitary, too. And if we’re going to go by that movie scene alone, one of you is bound to get a mild concussion once it’s all said and done. I’m all for sex wounds, but hospitalization is where I draw the line. If you really want to get down where you handle food, try the kitchen counter. But watch her head and the cupboards.
My vote? The kitchen table!
The Car
Like the shower, this is a pretty confined space that takes a lot of maneuvering if you want to do it right. It doesn’t matter if you drive a Beetle or a Buick, the backseat is going to be an awkward lay. I know Jack and Rose made it look all steamy in Titanic but they were in an old-timey car, and again, it’s movie magic. They don’t really care about logistics or the lack of one’s limberness. Height is a big factor here, too. If you’re a tall dude, there’s a good chance you’ll bump your noggin (see: kitchen floor). You can try sticking your head out of the sunroof, but that’s a little TMI for passers-by, and, well, it’s weird. You’ll kind of look like a dog.
If you must do it on the road, go for the front seat. You will have to factor in both the dashboard and the seatbelt getting in the way, but if you have the room to push the seat all the way back, you might be onto something (actually, it would work better if someone’s on top).
Your Parents’ Bed
Believe it or not, this is a fantasy for some people! Ugh! Look, I don’t care if you have some vendetta or fetish you think you have to fulfill, the mere thought of picturing my parents—or anyone’s parents for that matter—having sex is reason enough to never do the deed again. So, just don’t do it there. Ever.
Part of this essay originally appeared in Pursuit.ca
Hey! I’m not here to yuck your yum! You want to try some car sex in a Wendy’s parking lot, have at it! But I’m just saying maybe it’s okay to normalize having sex in normal places…like restaurant bathrooms.
Anyway, thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
Related links written by moi:
How to have less awkward shower sex
7 sex positions to try outdoors that aren’t sex on the beach