saying good bye to Fantasy Land
my most toxic trait in dating
OK, “toxic” might be a tad harsh. My dating coach would probably tell me to rephrase that.
Fine. The trait that hasn’t worked for me is staying too long in Fantasy Land.
What is Fantasy Land?
Step right up, folks, and let me share with you the garbage fire that awaits when you enter the gates of Fantasy Land.
I should warn you, first, that Fantasy Land is a place where you might want to stay forever because it feels so good. Because it feels so safe. Because you don’t actually need to DO or SAY anything that feels REAL, a.k.a. SCARY.
It sounds pretty sweet, right? A place that feels good and safe where you don’t actually have to put yourself at risk for exposing yourself to reality, like doing something out of your comfort zone? Like being rejected?! SIGN ME UP!
The problem with Fantasy Land, of course, is that it’s not REAL. It’s like living in a fancy snow globe that you can admire and appreciate and maybe it SEEMS like you’re shaking things up a bit (like when you shake a snow globe and those plastic snow flakes fly around) but, ultimately, it goes back to what it was. Nothing’s really changing. Because you’re not changing.
And so you easily remain stuck in this IDEA of a situation. Of a person. Because it’s so easy to fantasize in Fantasy Land, obvs. And because it’s easy to fantasize, it’s also easy to ASSUME things. “Oh, this must mean this,” or “They might feel this way", or “If I do this, then this will happen.”
I guess it’s pretty clear that in Fantasy Land, people don’t really reveal their true feelings or intentions. Because if they do…well, they might not get what they want — the fantasy they are so infatuated with — so they live in their head, go about the status quo, and let things “flow.”
It goes without saying that honest communication and vulnerability are typically forbidden in Fantasy Land. Why introduce scary variables that will blow up your life/fantasy? It’s easy to convince yourself that even small actions without being clear on your intentions are acceptable because it FEELS like you’re making progress.
You’re not.
It’s like being stuck on a roller coaster that only goes up and up and up….but there’s no drop. Because the drop would be the FREEDOM and RELEASE of who you are and what you want…and the scariness that comes from the pit of your stomach because you’re not sure if you’re going to get IT — the thing you’ve conjured in your brain and heart. THE FANTASY.
So it’s common in Fantasy Land to be like, fuck this roller coaster, and decide to ride the merry-go-round instead because it seems more enjoyable on your nervous system and removes any type of fear that you might have of being exposed — even if you never go anywhere except in circles.
And since no one really likes merry-go-rounds, at least, not really, it’s pretty easy to get fed up with the ride you’re on. It’s pretty easy to beat yourself up and chastise yourself as to WHY you’re still on this fucking merry-go-round? The scenery isn’t changing! You’re getting dizzy! The music is fucking annoying!
At this point Fantasy Land sounds like hell, no?
Or at least it should if you actually want to live an authentic life and make any sort of moves in your life.
So what’s the alternative to Fantasy Land?
Well, in my last coaching session, I said I’m creating Clarity Land.
Clarity Land is the land of honesty, communication, vulnerability, and compassion.
Clarity Land is not a place where you can stay forever because you get your answers effing quickly. There’s no going around in circles. There’s no assuming. There’s no going "up and up and up” and being scared of the fall because Clarity Land demands you fall. Not in a bad way, but in the most healing way. The way that leads you to full transparency. The way that leads you closer to where you want to be.
It might not be easy visit to Clarity Land — because honesty and vulnerability are still scary — but it’s the type of scary that leads to freedom…which is heck of a lot better than staying in a fantasy. And the more times you visit Clarity Land, the easier it is. Soon, you become a VIP and can get one of those arm bands that gives you a “easy” pass to all the big rides, like “I like you, what are your feelings for me?” and “This is the type of relationship I want, what do you want?” and “I can’t see you anymore because you can’t give me what I desire.”
Clarity Land is the place where REALNESS happens. Real connection, real conversations, real answers.
Going there might not fulfill your fantasy…but it will fulfill the aching desire behind the fantasy…which is the desire to be SEEN for being you. The real you.
And I think that’s worth the vomit from the drop. (well, I mean, I don’t LOVE vomiting but as I said to my friend earlier this week, the peace that comes from vomiting is usually worth it. Anyway.)
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie
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Looking for a little woo woo with a major dose of realness when it comes to being single? Then you'll love my chat with artist
.Maude and I talk about our struggles and thoughts when it comes to being two long-term single women, including what it means to be vulnerable, how hard it is to make eye contact with someone you like (!), and what what we fear the most, like not having our Person to help us through the tough times.
Maude also pulls two cards from her card decks and talks us through how asking ourselves some powerful questions can lead us to a better place of peace and understanding -- and SURRENDER -- when it comes to being single.
It's one of my fave convos!!
WHAT I WROTE
THIS. Yes.