not your boyfriend's porn: what women actually watch (and why)

my exclusive q&a with Angie Rowntree, founder & director of Sssh.com

We all watch porn. And if you say you don’t, well… you might be lying.

But if you really don’t, that’s totally okay too. Maybe you’ve never known where to start, or maybe you’ve felt ashamed. The truth is, a lot of conventional porn is just not it. It’s graphic in a way that often feels more aggressive than erotic, and let’s be real—it’s overwhelmingly made for and by men. That means it caters to the male gaze (ugh) not necessarily to what’s actually pleasurable for women.

I don’t even remember the first time I watched porn, but I do remember my reaction: “Whoa. There’s a lot of close-ups on holes” and “Why is everyone going so…fast?”

I was intrigued, sure, but also kind of overwhelmed. Was this really all there was? Was this what intimacy was supposed to look like?

Over time, I’ve watched different kinds of erotic content, and honestly, it depends on my mood. Sometimes, yeah, you want something a little edgy, a little intense—that’s totally fine. But I’ve found that when I watch films from Sssh.com, and other ethical, women-centric porn sites, it hits differently. I can actually relate to it. It’s sensual without being aggressive, intimate without being boring. It draws me in without making me feel like I’m watching something made for men, and not for me.

That makes sense. Women’s relationship with porn is different. Studies have shown that what we find arousing often diverges from what men do. For example, research from the Journal of Sex Research found that women tend to prefer erotica that includes emotional intimacy, narrative buildup, and realism—elements that mainstream porn rarely prioritizes. Another study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that women respond to a wider range of sexual stimuli, both visually and psychologically, compared to men. We are wired differently, and that influences what turns us on.

That’s why ethical, female-friendly porn—like the kind created by Sssh.com—is so important. It’s made with women in mind, prioritizing pleasure, consent, and real chemistry over performance-driven, hyper-masculine depictions of sex.

My hope is that we destigmatize women watching porn while also continuing to advocate for ethical, inclusive content. Exploring our fantasies through porn can be a powerful way to better understand our desires, whether we’re engaging solo or with a partner.

A man waiting for you in bed with a vibrator? What a fantasy come true!

To dive deeper into this, I spoke with Angie Rowntree, founder & director of Sssh.com, the award-winning, premier destination for sex-positive, ethical porn made from a woman's point of view for the first story. We discussed what women actually want in porn, how our preferences reflect our sense of self and agency, and how female sexual autonomy has evolved. Plus, we explore how watching the right kind of porn can help us communicate our desires more openly and confidently.

What are the top five types of porn that women are watching most—and why might people find these surprising?

Right now, our top 5 requested and viewed categories of porn on Sssh.com include the following, in no particular order: Period Pieces, Robot Romance, Escapism, Threesomes, and More “Meaning” Behind the Depicted Sex (strong storylines). I think people might find our categories surprising because I think most fans associate porn categories with just “types of sex acts,” but our site very much caters to people who seek a “mental turn-on” in addition to “the obvious.”

What is it about each category that appeals to women? Is it the dynamic between the performers, the emotional connection, the power dynamics, or something else?

All of the above and then some! Honestly, there’s a great deal of overlap in what appeals to women. For instance, with “escapism” overlapping content genres like historical period pieces and sci-fi on Sssh.com, it seems that women really love stories that immerse them in imagination—and if that “imagination” translates to a “Regency Era Threesome,” or a modern rom-com about opposites attracting between the sheets, well, why not? With “Robot Romance” we have fans asking us for AI-themed stories that delve into the human relationship with technology. It’s always about “meaning” – sex is another stop on the quest for what it means to be human. Regardless of the genre, on Sssh.com, sex moves the story forward, or is in service to the story. This is why we always try to deliver well-rounded characters and engaging stories that fans can connect with.

How do these genres tap into deeper fantasies, desires, or psychological needs?

Frustrated by any number of issues in mundane reality, people are seeking comfort and connection even in their private fantasy lives and porn consumption. I think that really says something about the state of loneliness that many adults currently find themselves in.

What do these preferences reveal about modern women’s sexual autonomy and evolving desires?

These preferences affirm exactly what I argued back in 1999 when I started Sssh.com: women are just as complex and multifaceted as men when it comes to our desires and fantasies. In the West, female sexual autonomy is something we definitely take for granted—and yet now more than ever it’s time to defend those rights against both political and religious extremists. On another note, every adult’s desires may evolve throughout their lifetime, but also the mechanisms for exploring those desires can evolve too, especially in terms of technology—which is exciting!

How does the type of porn a woman enjoys reflect her sense of self, agency, and how she wants to experience pleasure?

Few things are as deeply personal and subjective as sexual preferences—so by asserting her power of choice when it comes to adult content, the hypothetical woman is exercising her agency as a sexual being. Whatever she chooses to watch, listen to, or read…it’s for her. Your private fantasies are the one space where you don’t need to worry about anyone judging or shaming you—so by connecting to them, you honor where you are and what you want…and happily for most people that means also giving themselves pleasure.

Are there any misconceptions about what women should like versus what they actually gravitate toward?

When Sssh.com began in 1999, skeptics told me there would be no audience for it…and here I am 25+ years later. For starters, one of the biggest misconceptions in general is that women “are not visual” in the first place or are “less visual” than men—so porn is “wasted” on us. Obviously, that is not true. Similarly, it is incorrect to assume that “all women want x” – we are not a “collective” women are human beings. Women are, therefore, just as multifaceted and complicated as men are in terms of how they express their sexuality—so if people think “porn for women” means “softcore,” that is also not correct. There are so many different tastes and preferences expressed by our members in our internal survey. We are instead endlessly inspired by possibility and simply invite our fellow dreamers to dream with us.

7. If a woman is drawn to a specific type of porn, how can she use that as a way to better understand her own desires and communicate them in a relationship?

Hi loves! This is where things get really interesting, and Angie shares how your porn preferences can actually help you understand and express your desires in a relationship — plus even more insights on what women really want when it comes to sex and porn! Become a paid subscriber to keep reading!