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Dear Brie: "Have I wasted my life?"
I'm launching an advice column!
When I first started writing about love and relationships back in 2012, I didn’t think that one Christmas morning I would awake to the following Facebook message:
“Hi Brianne, my wife is divorcing me. I’m all alone now and I can’t help but think about all the years I wasted. I never had a threesome or had someone play with my perineum. I don’t know what to do. What’s your advice?”
But I did. On CHRISTMAS MORNING.
The message was from a friend of a friend who I had met only briefly met months prior at an art exhibit and who had recently become familiar with my writing.
A number of thoughts tumbled through my sleepy, and now slightly annoyed, mind.
The first was how bummed I was knowing his message now indelibly replaced what I had long considered my most memorable Christmas morning at eight years old when I was surprised with my first cat. Let’s face it, as cute as Tiger Jones was, that feline couldn’t hold a candle next to questions about threesomes and ass play.
The second was, I didn’t know what to say Felipe. I hadn’t had a threesome or had someone play with my perineum either.
Then I blocked him because of #boundaries.
Looking back, after a decade of writing about love and relationships, here’s what I would’ve told him:
Everything seems like a good idea at the time, especially when you’re both horny and heartbroken. We’ll do just about anything to scratch that itch or fill that void. The irony of experimentation is that sometimes when we explore outside of what we like, we come to discover just how satisfying what we like already is. We may also realize not everything is meant for our enjoyment. It’s how I feel about seeing Niagara Falls. Everyone says it’s an amazing thing to experience, and while everyone’s “oohing” and “ahhing” about it, I’m thinking, “How long do I have to stand here because it just makes me want to pee?”
I’m not saying don’t try stuff, but I’m also saying it helps to know why you want to do what you want to do. If you crave thrills, some might go skydiving while others might play with a butt plug. If you seek companionship, some will volunteer at an animal shelter, while others will engage in a threesome. My point is, it’s all relative. If a threesome turns you on, have at it. But if it feels a little crowded because you like monogamy, it’s okay to say ‘not for me.’
You don’t need to feel you’re missing out on anything if you’re honest about what you desire because there’s no right or wrong way to experience intimacy and pleasure. A passionate night of connection might include a sweet hug or a tug of the perineum. Its meaning and value is entirely up to you. Just as there’s no such thing as a “sex to-do list” that you must follow or else you fail at life. You only fail when you don’t do what feels right for you.
Over the years, I have received countless DMs and emails like Felipe’s. (And, yes, I think I answer them better now.) Which got me thinking that I would like to open up this newsletter for your questions too. Whether you're looking for advice or insight on love and relationships, being single, recommendations, a different perspective, or about my own personal experience with something, no question is too small or intimate. Fire away! At the end of each month, I’ll pick and answer three questions.
If you'd like to add one, you can ask here. It's totally anonymous, forever and ever -- and I don't collect your email address! So it really is anonymous.
I am here to help as best as I can, even if that means offering you some comfort that you're not alone!
PS It would be really cool if you added a witty pseudonym but not required!
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